like woah.

I can't believe how much of a slacker I've been with blogging, but with working 40 hours or more a week, and chasing a crazy toddler, and dating (eek!) it's been a little crazy up in here.

Nic is 15 and a half months old. I can NOT believe how fast that year flew by, and how much of a personality Nic has now.

He can say a lot of words, sign a bit, and he runs. And he runs fast. And he screams. A lot.

He hugs, and kisses, and makes my world completely crazy- and I love it.

He just said bubble today, and that kind of blew my mind because it's not really a word I use a lot.

Oh, and I mean, he's really behind in the teething thing, but he's getting his 2 front teeth now. A little after Christmas... but whatev. :)

I have a million pictures of Christmas, but... I just posted them on fb, and dont want to have to do it all on here too. Not tonight anyway. But I got him a kitchen, and he LOVES it. I also got him a car track to go with the cars the bf got him, and an elmo back pack, and a bunch of other shit he didn't really need, like a broom because dude always steels mine! He cracks me up.

Nic's dad is back. Not in az, but in america. I should be more excited I guess, but I'm not. It was nice never having to share Nic. His mom was here Monday-Wednesday. That was nice, because she watched Nic for 25 hours. Which... was amazing. Yes, I missed Nic like crazy, and I called and texted the whole time, but it was just so nice. Mat and I went to Bisbee. We were going to stay over night, but we decided not to, and instead went to our friends house, for a bbq. So much fun. They're an amazing couple and we died laughing the entire time. In the morning, we left for Bisbee, and I just have to say, that quick little road trips are my favorite with that guy. He makes everything more enjoyable. I'm so lucky my cousin set us up. Anyway, we went to Bisbee and looked at a bunch of antique shops... one where a dude had the most hideous hair piece we've ever seen... mat bought a vintage bike, SO cute.. had lunch at a little cafe, drove back home, looked at a house :] ... came home and got the best hug OF MY LIFE from my little. I hated leaving him so long, but I think sometimes you need little breaks to make you a better parent.

holy hell. Such a handsome guy.

FINALLY

Finally finally finally Nic is getting a tooth. 13 months old, and he's getting his first tooth. I was really starting to get worried! But the tooth is coming out, slowly but surely-- you can see it, and feel it, and he keeps running his little tongue over it, and it's just hilarious.

Halloween went off without a hitch. Nic was an amazing greaser, and I played the part of a 50s housewife beautifully. I mean..I just put a dress and apron on, but it was still fun. We didn't really do much, since the whole concept really wasn't something Nic could yet grasp. So we went to my Nona's clubhouse and that was just fine. Not too crazy for the little one, but he still got some candy and some cheetos-- his new favorite snack.

MyPop, me and Nico-worlds cutest greaser

He is doing this thing, where he screams if he doesn't get his way. He does it if he wants something and can't ask for it, he does it if you tell him no. IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!

So, thankfully, in addition to my mom watching Nic once during the week for a date night, she's agreed to take him for an overnight visit. I'm so happy. I just want to sleep until 8am. And maybe go to breakfast, and a little antiquing or something. But I don't want to wake up at 5 to Nic crying for his "buppy" (cup) because HE NO LONGER USES A BOTTLE!!! at all. Ever. He weaned himself off of it! He's so smart. Anyway, I really am so happy Teen is doing this for me. She probably is doing it a little for herself too, because she adores that little man, but still -- it will be nice. I haven't had an over night sitter since LJ was here.

I started Christmas shopping yesterday. I'm starting with my two favorite boys, and I'm almost done with both. Also, it's my dad's 50th birthday in 22 days, and I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out what to get that guy. And then what to get him again for Christmas. I really have an awfully hard time shopping for the men in my life. And then... do I get LJ a christmas present from Nic? What's the rule on that? I mean, obviously, I'll send him Nic's christmas card, buuuut I mean, what's the rule for that? I wish there was a book with all the rules for all the bull shit that goes along with getting a divorce. Anyway, Mat and I were at the antique shop on Tuesday, and we saw an airplane propeller, so I think I'm getting that for my dad for his birthday. I can't tell you how amazing it is that he actually thinks of things my family members would like. It's really refreshing. Like... he has the same interests as I do, and I don't have to beg to do fun things, and I don't have to worry about the whole "Nic" issue, because it's so obvious that he loves Nic, and it really just gives me a feeling I can't describe. To know that not only has someone accepted me, 100% as I am, (with all my wierd little quirks, my crazy family... my crazy looking post-baby body...) but he's accepted my son too? That truly speaks volumes about this man. I never thought it would be an option for me, and I'm so so glad things worked out the way they did.

For a while I was doing the prisim diet. I loved the results, but it was waaaaay restrictive, and it really encourages eating a lot of meat, and I jsut can't bring myself into doing that. I don't like the taste, it hurts my stomach, and I just can't really stand cooking it. But I lost a lot of weight. Then Big Red died, and I went off the diet, and I gained all that weight back. Ok, so not all of it, but 5lbs in like 6 weeks. Maybe not really 5.. but I can definitely see the weight gain. This happened last year too. But at halloween. I'm a sucker for candy! But I really think I'm going to start bringing a change of clothes and start walking udhal park or reid park after work a few days a week, and maybe run on the weekends. We did race for the cure, and ran some of it, and it was really nice. I didn't have any back issues after either, so hopefully that will be an option. I know my sister would jog with me and Nic, but she goes for a long time, and I'm just starting out, so I don't know that she'd want to be lagged by us.

Um, also? I'm seriously considering getting Nic a dog for Christmas...maybe a wiener friend!!

le sigh.

I loathe how hot it still is here in Tucson. Today, we went to a car show, and we were all super sweaty. It was disgusting. It was a pretty decent show! Nic's first one of many I'm sure.:]

Nic with my sister with a 67 chevy (and my handsome devil of a bf behind them )

Other than that- nothing exciting at all has been happening, and it's pretty depressing. Well, we did pick pumpkins.

I swear to God my kid should be a model.

Pretty much my job is sucking me dry. I'm thankful I have a job at all but I mean, really? I just want to interpret. My bf's little bro sent me an interpreter position posting, but I really don't know how I'm supposed to make that work, since the hours aren't conventional-it's at a college. And who knows if I'd even get it! I haven't really been signing at the interpreting level in over a year-- besides freelance stuff. I'm quite depressed about that. I keep saying I want to move to get an interpreting job, because Tucson sucks. Like, really sucks. I should have moved to Texas when I had the chance. I'm seriously considering emailing the college again, just to see if they still need positions. I can't handle the stress of doing this whole single mom thing with the minimal pay I'm getting at the daycare. I mean, it's enough, and thankfully- LJ may be a lot of things, but a dead beat father isn't one of them. He gives the full amount of child support we agreed upon before Nic was even born. I don't know if that amount is going to change when we go to court, but I'd really hope he's reasonable enough to see how freaking expensive Nic is. Homeboy can't just drink normal milk. Nope. He has to have coconut milk, rice milk and soy milk. ALL THREE. He can't just have coconut, because if that's all he drinks, its too much potassium, can't have too much soy, because there's estrogen in there and he is a boy and would look all awkward with juggies... and rice milk doesn't have enough nutrients. he doesn't eat enough to NOT get nutrients from his "milk"-- so thats a lot of milk, and that's not cheap. 1 gallon of regular milk is like $2... this crap is like $4 for like 20oz. YEP! and dude drinks 8oz of each a day. THANK GOD he doesn't have the gluten allergy. That was a pain in the ass to make food with that restriction. It's still hard with the whole dairy thing, but it's better than the gluten issue. I just hope he outgrows that. Ice cream is too delicious to never have. And so is pizza. And mac and cheese. Shit. his life is going to suck. hah.

For halloween, I think Nic is just going to be a greaser. Might as well right? And then that way I can wear a circle skirt :] so excited. I hope Teen will help me make it. My mother is one crafty woman. I want it black with white polka dots with like... maybe red buttons or something. AND then I'll do some freakin victory curls. HELLZ YEAH. I was born in the wrong freggin era. Today at the car show only confirmed that.

Taladaga Nights just came on, so I obviously have to stop blogging now. Shit's funny.

And So It Is

My kid sings to the cranberries. What the hell does yours do? Probably nothing as cool as that, and so BOOYA.

Today, I had to go to some conference for work. Sucked. But, I took two classes: one on predators, and it scared the shit out of me to the point of where I kinda want to never leave Nic's side-ever- and the other? On baby/toddler signs. BITCH DIDN'T KNOW ANY SIGNS. So, I pretty much have decided that if I don't get a job interpreting soon, I'm going to kill myself. I know that really has no corrilation, but I mean... I still might just do it. just off myself. And hope the judge gives my parents full custody of Nic, because they're sensible most of the time.

...unlike other douchers...

I mean, when Nic's gem of a father was here, he told me I talk shit about him via my blog, or facebook.

DUH

This though, is a factual story.

last weekend I took my little guy to urgent care because of his fever and the fact that waterpoop was coming out his butt at an alarming rate. I informed his dad simply because I thought it was the right thing to do, however, my phone is a turd and wouldn't let me private message him on fb, so, I put it on his wall.

Later we spoke about Nic, and he went on a mission (he's still deployed) and all was fine.

On Wednesday, his new little girlfriend fucking commented on it saying he was on a mission and he didn't have internet. I'm not sure where I put HEY LJ'S NEW FUCK-BUDDY/POSSIBLY GIRLFRIEND WHO HE THINKS IS FUCKING AMAZING BUT REALLY SEEMS SUPER ANNOYING! PLEASE COMMENT ON A CONVERSATION ME AND MY SON'S FATHER ARE HAVING BECAUSE YOU'RE A NOSEY CUNT WHO HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

But I don't think it was anywhere in there . In fact, I'm positive.

So, I was polite, I said I spoke to him, blah blah blah...and then I emailed LJ telling him to tell his bitches to mind their own business, and he said no, she was being nice, I said no, have her keet to her self when it regards MY son, and then he called me a bitch.

ladies and gents, the one thing I refuse to be called, by him, is a bitch. I go above and beyond the "ex wife duty" because if I were anyone else, I probably would have never skyped with him for Nic, I wouldn't send him pictures of Nic, of have him on fb to see pictures of Nic, I wouldnt send him packages on holidays, birthdays or just b/c I'm feeling nice (which I have not done since march, because he NEVER said thank you). I also could have truly been a bitch and asked for backpay for the separation, and shit like that, but I'm not.

But I'm the bitch because I told his girlfriend to stay out of my kids life. This, btw, is the bitch he had Nic meet WITH HIS MOTHER, even though we decided together, that we would talk to eachother before introducing Nic to people we're seeing. I asked him before I introduced Nic to Mat...

And, Just for the record, I dont recall Mat ever emailing LJ telling him about what me and Nic are up to. Fuckin idiot.

I'm so pissed at this whole ordeal. I wasn't going to be the one to file. I wasn't even the one who wanted this shit to start with. But I can't wait until he lands in America, because the next day I really think I'm going to fucking file. I can't stand him as a husband, father, or general human being. I have no idea when we got to this point, and I hate that I hate him, because afterall, he gave me the best thing I could ever ask for, but I just want it to be done and over with. I was hoping it would be an easy thing, no fighting over Nic, because quite frankly, he doesn't deserve to have him. Seriously. He didn't do any of the work. His lifestyle isn't fit for a child to be around, and I'm pretty sure a judge will just agree that he sucks at being a dad. Giving someone child support and playing with a 1 year old for 15 days doesn't make you a dad. For God's sake, even his own mother said in a conversation (and this blew my mind) "Oh I think LJ was watching Nic for you that day".... watching Nic for me.

Right.

Watching Nic for ME.

I mean, really... think about that. Those exact words were said to me. .... interesting eh?

Whatever. Now that THAT is off my chest....

Tomorrow I'm going to take Nic to get a pumpkin. I'm pretty excited, because at Target (duh) I saw little things you can stick in the pumpkin to make it look like a Sesame Street Character. I'm pretty sure he'll pick Elmo, but who knows?He might surprise me. I, on the other hand, am quite excited to just take pictures of him picking out the pumpkin, so I'll put those up next time. I'm also pretty excited to carve a pumpkin, and roast the seeds.

I pretty much have to cram 2 days into 1 since that damn workshop robbed me of my weekend!

Oh, and after the workshop, we went to a birthday party who had an awesome Sesame Street theme, and Nic was hella cranky but he had a good time.. and it was adorable, and the party favor box was a chinese to go box that was red, and it had elmo's face on it. SO. FREGGIN. CUTE. Nic kept saying "la la la?" on it. That's what he calls Elmo... so it was adorable.

And finally, to end this on an absolutely adorable note, I read Nic 2 books every night before bed, and tonight, I read him "Green Eggs and Ham" and when the story was done, he signed "please" and I said "please what baby?" and he signed "more" so... he rules. OH MY GOD HE ALSO SIGNED MORE CEREAL THIS MORNING but it was so totally his version of it all, but HE SIGNED IT

My kid fucking rules.

whirlwind!bt

The month of September was just.... awful. Except for my sweet angel's birthday. That was an amazing event.

Nic's dad came into town on Labor day. A week earlier than he was supposed to. I mean, I like to think I'm an easy going person, but lets face the facts- I plan. I plan everything, and if it goes off the plan, I kinda freak. So I freaked, he got here, it was good and bad, mostly bad- but whatever. We do fine over the internet, but in person it sucks. And I'm not here to bash him, I've done that enough in the past, but.... I wish he had stepped up a little bit. I have Nic 24/7, and I get that he was here for R&R but... I wish he had kept Nic over night a bit so I could have had a break. But he realy did help out for the birthday party so... all in all, I guess it worked out. Nic warmed up to LJ right away, and that was such a relief. I was worried Nic wouldn't go to him, and that would have just been so hard for LJ, making it more of a burden for me.

Anyway, the party was amazing. Here's a few pictures! :]

I'm clearly proud of my boy :)

"thats some high quality h2o"

veggie platter

custom smash cake

smash!

lollie pops

take out boxes for the candy buffet

custom cake and banner!

Nic started walking on Aug 26th just few steps here and there. The morning of his birthday, he walked full force! He's so amazing. He truly is. I'm so lucky!

Two days after his party, my grandma died. I'm certain she hung on for Nic's sake. She was thoughtful like that. She died in her sleep, with her family around her. She was at home, and comfortable- just as she wanted. My brother did a beautiful slideshow tribute. I wish he had put it on youtube or something. I'm so lucky to have known my grandma, and I'm so thankful she became someone I could say was my family. Not step- just my family.

This was taken on her Birthday.

I guess that's all I really have to say about that.

Nic is really advancing with his signing! He can sign about 5 signs now, which for a 1 year old I'd say is pretty impressive. He still has NO teeth though! wtf! I'm getting worried... poor dude is gumming everything!

also? He's had the runs for 9 days now, and he (on top of everything) has an ear infection! My poor little dude.

I mean, it's really no secret that LJ told me to date. I didn't for a long ass time. But now? I so totally am, and I'm incredibly happy. Like SO happy. He's amazing with Nic, Nic loves him SO SO SO much. He really is an amazing person, and I pretty much owe my baby cousin BIG for setting us up. We started dating a few months ago.. and it's just been an amazing ride. I think that's all I can really ask for in life. My life seems to finally be piecing together-- slowly-- but it finally is. <3

just prayed to a god i don't believe in

My grandma, Big Red, is dying. She had lung cancer, and it has literally taken over her entire body. Last Tuesday was supposed to be her last day. I left work, went to St. Joes ICU and said good bye to her. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I've had my biological dad's grandma die, but I wasn't there to say good bye.This was intense. I told her I loved her, and that I was so lucky to have known her, because I am. Everyone that knows her was lucky to, in some way. Weather it was becuase she said somthing silly you'll always remember or because she was so generous and would give you the shirt off your back, you're lucky... like I'm pretty sure my old neighbor/friend Sara will always remember her saying to us, as we were playing Barbies when we were like, 11-" come on girls, it's time to E-A-T ott."

Wackadoo.

Anyway... she made it. She got out of ICU. Then she was supposed to go to a hospice center.

Then guess what? She was "too healthy" to go there. So now she's home, where she wanted to be. It's incredibly hard for my mom and dad to deal with the responsibility, since really, my dad's siblings aren't that..... close to her. Lets leave it at that.... pretty much my mom and dad are the only ones that would take her in after she had a cerebral aneurysm like 16 years ago.. and so... that's that. 5 kids, 1 stepped up... it's incredible. I obviously put my dad on a pedestal on a daily basis, but for one out of five to step up kinda sums up the kind of man he is, and says a lot about my mother, since she's really the one who does everything for her.... this has all really changed my view on things though. I said I'd never let my mom or a mother in law live with me. Now? I absolutely will. I will never let my mom die in a hospital bed. nope. My mother is a saint after all this. To see how happy my grandma is to be able to die at home? My god. I'd never take that away from anyone.

It's going to be hard as hell for my family to go into her room after it happens, but I think the fact that they know she'll die happy, and content in the fact that she was with everyone out weighs everything.

So, we're taking it not only day by day, but hour by hour. We can't believe she's still with us, and we can't believe how sharp she still is. Like, she knows Nic is almost 1, and said she hopes she's there for his party. I told her her hair looked nice yesterday (her hairdresser stopped by to say hi, and "fixed" it for her) and she said "I know. It always does."

It's little moments like that we're treasuring. It's little moments like that where we're SO lucky to know her.

I love the weekends. I get to spend time with Nic, and I get to do things like bake cookies for being a turd and running out of gas in hopes to win back my fbo points. piiiissss.

Friday was nice. I met Monica and her little girl at the mall, for some much needed time together. I went from seeing her daily to seeing her once a month, and it sucked. So, we went to the mall in search of red wedges, and I can NOT find them, and I'm pissed! But, anyway, after the mall, we went to dinner. At the end, I got Nic a tiny ice cream cone. Funniest thing EVER! He grabbed it and SHOVED it in his little mouth, and then screamed because it was too cold. He's just too cute.

Saturday, .... oh man. Saturday was insane. The three of us went to the farmers market. SUCKED. There were like 5 stands, and they sucked. then, we decided to go to 4th ave and shop a little, and then.... BAM, I ran out of gas. The irony of it? We ran out of gas across the street from a gas station. A non functioning one. Aweeeeesssoooommmme! Thankfully, Monica doesn't live far from there, and rescued us. Thankfully, I have a fan in my car for Nic, so we all sat in the back, and waited for my knight in shinning armor. And then, I decided to get a 50s style dress and so all was right with the world. Ran some errands, baked cookies, made babyfood... bought a ton of candy for Nic's birthday party. Which is in a month. Which means my infant will become a toddler. Which means I'm going to go cry now.

pisssss time flies!

This morning, we had a special treat called "mat brought deuce over to play!" and Nic LOOOOOVED it. So much fun for him. He's a weiner dog, so he was just the right size for my little Nic. After, we went to run errands, and I got him a bomber airplane lunch box! And then, we went to 4th ave, where I won mother of the year when I took him to a smoke shop to visit a friend... man, I looked so trashy I'm sure.. haha. Oh man.

Now my sweetie little baby is asleep, and he's adorable. He loves his monster, and it melts my heart. I can't believe he's going to be 1 in a few weeks. I can't believe his dad will be here in a few weeks.. I'm nervous for that. I hope Nic is comfortable w/ him... uugh. I'm stressed about that. I dont want Nic to be weird around LJ. I have a feeling he will be, and that sucks for everyone involved. Whatever, it is what it is...right?

Who needs Tiffany&Co when I get this?

Any fool with a dick can make a child, but it takes a real man to raise that child

just saying.

target dates and presents for Nic.

it's the little things, folks. the little things.

yikes!

I sure have been slacking on blogging these days... but between Nic, work, keeping my house not looking like the zombie apocalypse has taken over and other.... personal things.... My life is nuts! But I absolutely love it. Minus the work thing. Because I fucking hate that part. The fact of the matter is this: I want to re marry, and I want to re-marry someone insanely wealthy, so I never have to work again, and I can just stay home and play with my sweet Nicolas all day.

After all, they say the first time is for love, second is for money...

Or maybe, it should be first time for love until it goes to shit because SOME people are dicks, the second should be for looks, a good time, making you feel awesome and being great with your child from the previous marriage.. and third for money? Either way, I'm sick of working. I work with some pretty nice people, but it's not cutting it for me. I want to stay home with Nic, because I'm tired of other women playing with him all day instead of me. And I hate working from 9-6 ... my evenings are consisting of me coming home, cooking, giving Nic a bath, and putting him to bed, and hanging out, without him. No good.

Oh, and also? If I stayed home with him? He probably wouldn't have fallen and PASSED OUT because someone wasn't wathcing him. I get it though, accidents happen, you can't give 100% of your attention to one kid when you have a class full of 9 but still. i dont give a shit about the other kids.... MY baby was hurt. So I left, and he's fine. I just hate this shit. I hate worrying, and b/c of my worry, I have a killer headache and that sucks.

I'm slacking something fierce on taking pictures of Nic ... I'm going to have to do a quick little photo session with him this weekend before his Grammy comes to baby sit. I'm pretty excited for that. It's nice to have a night off :]

It's a wonderful life

I can't believe how much I'm laggin on blogging about our life. Fail.

Nic is almost 10 months old. That means he's almost 1, and that is a nagging reminder that one day he'll be 18 and leaving me.

Eff that.

Nicolas is doing really well with "school".... minus the fact that my favorite of his teachers had her last day yesterday. :( The other two teachers kinda have pissed me off to the point where I'm just going to say hi and bye to them... I pack Nic 4 bottles usually, and then 2 snacks and a lunch. The stupid bitches never fed him the solids, and he has had mud butt and I couldnt figure out why, until I was like "oh duh, these cunts aren't doing their jobs, b/c giving bottles is WAY easier" so... I had a few words with them. I may or may not have said fuck 7 times... idiots.

I'm really starting to get into the flow of what I'm doing. I really enjoy working with the 2 and under group... anything over that and I get annoyed.. they sass back. I'm sassy enough for everyone. I don't need some 4 year old telling me "no". The 2 and under group really pick up on signs fast too, so it's way more fun.

Nic is just changing every single day. He ALMOST took a step at my aunts this morning!( He stayed there over night, because I was supposed to go bowling at like 11:30pm, but that was a bust, so instead we watched zombie movies and this morning went to breakfast :])

So anyway, when we went to go get Nic this morning, he was cruisin' around my aunt's coffee table with Mat, and leaned to me, and took half a step, and then realized he wasn't holding on to anything, and sat down. I think he'd be steady enough, but he's just lacking the confidence.. so I think he'll be walking by 1 for sure. He's so damn cute too. When he knows he's being naughty, before I even tell him no, he starts shaking his head no, and stops doing what was bad. Little stinker.

He's saying mama in referance to me, which is cool. Before, he just kinda said it. Also, he says baba, when he means a sippy, and then he makes a fist and makes a noise with his mouth, and puts the fist on his mouth 2 times, making the noise baba when he wants a real bottle. Kinda hard to explain, without gesturing but it's pretty funny. He also booty dances, and its hilarious. My little man dances in the car better than anyone I know. So so cute.

So....um... my world has been rocked. I feel like everything is finally coming together, and I'm so so happy. <3 swooooonnnn

Also? I'm going to look into buying a house. My friend's dad is a realitor and so, wish me luck on that adventure... I've never had a credit card though, so I think that may be an issue, but I'm not sure about that one. He said no, but we'll see! I'm really hopeful on that though, because Nic needs a little puppy to play with. He has so much fun with my aunt's dogs. So we need a place with a big back yard for them to play in. And I need a big kitchen to bake Nic's muffins in. Kid throws a fit if I dont give him one every morning.

uh wow.

So, it turns out I'm not so much teaching sign language as much as I'm just signing with kids. Still freggin awesome, because today I asked a color of a frog and a little boy signed green, rather than voicing it.

Awesome. Seriously, the other teacher (who is like, freggin awesome) knows sign and teaches them signs all the time too, but this was like, incredible.

But, Nic is sick. I thought it was teething, but he has the diarrheas, and a fever of 102, and he barfed on me at work (gross) and he's just not himself. Like, he's tired, and he napped pretty much all day.

eff me in the a.

Seriously? the kid never naps so I'm freaked the fuck out. I still dont know what it is, but yesterday and today I left work early because he was sick. I also think it's the germies. It's not like this is a gross daycare, b/c I wouldn't work in a place like that OR take my son to a nasty place.. hellooo, but still. Kids have germs, he's bound to get something.

I'm debating on taking him to urgent care in the morning, but with Motrin and a cold washcloth, his temp was 99.. so I don't know what to do. I hate the ER- people barf there, and I will have a panic attack, and so I can't go.

I mean, I'm new to all this, so it's confusing, and my dang mother isn't here.

Thanks a lot, Teen.

uh wow.

So, it turns out I'm not so much teaching sign language as much as I'm just signing with kids. Still freggin awesome, because today I asked a color of a frog and a little boy signed green, rather than voicing it.

Awesome. Seriously, the other teacher (who is like, freggin awesome) knows sign and teaches them signs all the time too, but this was like, incredible.

But, Nic is sick. I thought it was teething, but he has the diarrheas, and a fever of 102, and he barfed on me at work (gross) and he's just not himself. Like, he's tired, and he napped pretty much all day.

eff me in the a.

Seriously? the kid never naps so I'm freaked the fuck out. I still dont know what it is, but yesterday and today I left work early because he was sick. I also think it's the germies. It's not like this is a gross daycare, b/c I wouldn't work in a place like that OR take my son to a nasty place.. hellooo, but still. Kids have germs, he's bound to get something.

I'm debating on taking him to urgent care in the morning, but with Motrin and a cold washcloth, his temp was 99.. so I don't know what to do. I hate the ER- people barf there, and I will have a panic attack, and so I can't go.

I mean, I'm new to all this, so it's confusing, and my dang mother isn't here.

Thanks a lot, Teen.

worst day of my life.

Today I started my new job. It's not my dream job, and it's not the job in Texas, but it's a job, and I'm using sign... I'm teaching sign language to kids at a daycare, and also just being a general "teacher" there in the later afternoon. I work from 9-6.

That is a LONG freaking day. Without my baby. Who I can hear because he was in the next room.

He did pretty well, I left with no complications. He waved bye bye to me, and went to play with this cute little girl, and he was a happy little camper.

Then came the crying. From me. Three times before noon. Thank god the classroom I was in had a bathroom, and I could go "pee" and come out with red eyes. They probably think I have a poop issue huh? haha

Then, on my lunch break, I took Nic out of his class, and we went to starbucks where I got a delicious pesto chicken salad (my new obsession) and Nic had animal crackers. And I hugged the shit out of him. For an entire hour. And I cried again.

Then, when I went to leave him again from 1-530 he cried. And I lost my shit. I cried for 10 mins straight and had to re-do my makeup in my car. Then I went back to work, and played with OTHER peoples kids, and it killed me. I got Nic at 530, and we went home to have dinner and then he went to bed. Like, wtf. I dont get to spend any time with him anymore. THE BOY NORMALLY IS ATTACHED TO MY HIP and now I dont see him except for a few hours at night? fuck that. I seriously almost quit. That's how much I hate it. Not to mention that I'd like to have Thursdays off for wings, and also Tuesdays and Wednesdays for.. well. That's a whole other story. Not for this entry.

In any event, this sucks. LJ fuckin PROMISED I'd be able to stay home with him until he was older... so this is killing me. I tutored for 9 months, and I wish I could do it for 9 more. I hate being away from Nic. I mean, it's kinda differnt when my aunt takes him over night, since I leave at like 10 and get there at 8ish or so, because he just sleeps, but it's shitty when I'm with other peoples kids, and I know mine is right next door and I can't hug him and kiss him.

I'm so glad I got this job, but I hate that I can't be with Nic. I hate it.

m f-er

I can not wait for the divorce to be finalized.

seriously.

I can not wait.

Stress.

I'm overwhelmed. Surprise Surprise.

The interview tomorrow isn't going as planned, due to the video phone in texas... apparently, something is wrong with the one they'd be using (they have to record the interview) and so it's just going to be a phone interview. I'm not stressed about that part.

I'm not really even stressed about the interview in general. I have a really strong feeling I'll be hired to work at the college, and that's exciting.

Except.

I'd like to stay here, not because I'm afraid to move. I'm not. It'll be hard as hell to do even more than I already do totally alone. I mean, I have good friends there, but no one that I can just drop Nic off to. Like... yesterday.

Yesterday was probably the best day I've had just being Gina and not Mommy. I dropped Nicolas off at my moms at like 11:45, and she took care of him until 6 and she dropped him off at my house, where my cousin babysat him until about 10:30. I had almost 11 hours of being Gina.

I went with a special someone to Bisbee (the most adorable town EVER) and we antiqued, and it was amazing. The whole afternoon was like... a dream to me. It was perfect. ps? I wish I had lived there as an adult not a 5 year old because it is just so amazing now... didn't really realize it then.

On our way home, we decided to go to a BBQ and that too was amazing.

I sorta don't wanna move now. And truth be told, I never was DYING to move to Texas, I just thought it was a smart move for 2 reasons: 1- a job offer, that will look great to add to my interpreting portfolio, and 2- I thought LJ could be stationed there so he could be closer to his son.

Apparently, his career is a bit more important right now, because he would rather be a DI than a dad. Whatev. I don't care anymore. Aside from sending him his father's day gift, and chatting occasionally on fb, I no longer try to have any thing more than a parent to parent relationship. I'm 100% ok with this now, and I'm so proud of myself for finally letting go. It was hard, and took over a year, but I'm very happy to say I have absolutely NO interest in being with him anymore. Sure, parts of me wishes Nic could have 2 parents with him every day, but... that's it. Nic doesn't know any different, he doesn't know who LJ is, at all, an that sucks, but that's just the way it is I guess.

But back to yesterday. ...I am still floating on cloud 9 because of it. But I am also desperately trying to find a job here in Tucson, just to keep my options open. LJ's mom even looked in Mesa for positions, and nothing is open. I understand that at the end of the year, it's not going to have lists of needs in the school districts, but I wish they'd post something I could apply for. I'd even consider working in an HI room for a year... I just need SOMETHING!

The good news is my landlord loves me, and always gives Nic candy, so today when I was letting him touch nic's face without screaming or making it obvious that I would sanitize the shit out of Nic's face when we left, I sweetly asked if I could month to month it here in the condo until I find out what I'm actually doing, and he said "darlin, I'd love to keep you there forever, of course you can" and so, now I wanna move to texas a little because I love being called darlin'. But I don't want Nic saying y'all so this is really a huge delema. AGH!

Nic News

• he says "dat, dat" (that?)
• he says "oh" when you tell him what it is.
• he can stand up and scoot along the bed/couch/crib/dishwasher
• he drinks 20oz of formula a day, and nurses 2 times a day, morning and night, just because I'm not ready to let go yet
• he laughs with his entire body like me :]
• he shakes his head no, but I'm not sure if it's because when I scold him I shake mine, or if it's becuase he really means no
• he signs more, eat and milk
• he stands in his crib and screams until I go in there, then starts laughing
• he eats the same exact breakfast every morning, and if I change it, he throws whatever it is off his tray
• he can copy your coughs
• he claps if you say yay, but not if I try to show people because he apparently wants me to look like a dirty liar
• he gets into EVERYTHING in sight now. awesome!

He's just getting so big, and I want to stop time, and not let him grow up. Ever. I don't like it I'd like him to be potty trained, but stay this tiny and adorable and I hate him growing up :(

yowza

My baby sister graduated from high school on Wednesday. I remember the day she was born. Consider my mind, blown. She is going to the UofA, and I couldn't be more proud of her.

I got a call on Monday for an interview at TSTC, a college in Texas that I had wanted to work at a few years ago. Now that I have the chance to do it, I'm interviewing via a VP phone. I have no idea where this place is down town, so I think tomorrow I'm going to do a dry run. I'm so nervous. I haven't interpreted in a year. I mean, I subbed, but it wasn't a real interpreting job..

I need to get out of Tucson, so this will be a welcome move.

so... I asked LJ, for the last time if he was 100% sure he wanted a divorce, because I am finally ready to let go, 100%. It kinda sucks to be ok with the fact that it's happening.. but I guess that's better than being depressed about it. Life has certainly thrown me some curve balls.... I never expected to be a 25 year old single mom, (almost) divorced and dating (yay me!), and scrambling to get sitters... (Finding someone I trust to sit with Nic is a bitch. So far, I've only left him with my mom, LJ's mom, and my cousin Sydney. Sydney is awesome. I'm so happy she is available for me to use. But what's the going baby sitter rate? I do 10$/hour... am I gyping my own cousin?!)...

I wouldn't change a thing.

I got the most adorable baby boy out of the deal.

A baby boy who is 28 inches long, and 19.7lbs.

A baby boy who is almost done with his medicine, and is finally not coughing.

A baby boy who points to things and asks "dat?" (that).

A baby boy who can clap when you say yay, and copy your coughs or screams.

A baby boy who can stand up.

A baby boy who DEVOURS Oreos.

I can't believe how big he's getting. I had to lower the mattress in his crib, because he can stand up and I seriously think he would have climbed out, so I did it, myself, no man needed. Booya.

whew.

The past week has been a whirlwind of a life.

I turned 25 last Saturday, and while I built it up to be a depressing thing, it wasn't bad. My in-laws got me a dainty, beautiful tiffany's bracelet, and my parents got me a simple yet beautiful silver band...also tiffany's!! oooh how I love T&Co. Seriously. I love it.

So, on my actual birthday, my MiL, parents, brother and grandma went to Caruso's and it was delish. My sister was at the UofA doing something with track, and getting some scholarship thing, so she was off the hook I guess... and she more than made up for it with a kick ass Glee card, and an Ulta gift card. Because we all know I'm freggin obsessed with eye makeup. But I didn't even buy any.

Anyway, after dinner, my MiL and mom watched Nic, and I went out with my friends. We went bowling, then had some drinks at a pub, which is SO skuzzy, and so, I love it. It's a 100% sure thing that I run into someone from HS and they're all nasty and drunk. Oh East side Tucson, how you've gone down hill..

Whatev.

it was a nice birthday.

Tuesday I finally applied to TSTC and fingers crossed there. I better get that job. I'll die if I dont. Literally. I'll die. OF STARVATION because no where here is hiring! Suuuucks.

Today, Monica and I took the kids to the Zoo. Amazing. I last took Nic in January, and he really didn't know what was going on. This time, he was pretty into it, especially the giraffes! He got so excited and pumped his little legs to get out of the stroller, and then, when I took him out.. get this.. he gasped. MY SON IS DRAMATIC LIKE ME!!! thank the good lord, he's acquired my personality, and that, my friends, makes my world a better place.

Also, Nic stopped eating baby food. WTF is that about? I have my freezer stocked. Literally, the entire bottom shelf is full of baby food. I probably have enough for another 2 months, and he hates it. So, what does he eat? crackers, turkey, cheese... lamb. Anything but baby food. And today, at claim jumper, he had his first ever cinnamon applesauce, and it wasn't normal applesauce, so now I'm on a quest. It was like, minced applesauce, and I can't figure out how to make it. Maybe I'll ask my MiL to ask her hubby, because he's awesome. I mean, I know how to make chunky applesauce, but UGH this child is gonna be the death of me. Thank God I got 4 bottles of wine for my birthday. And 2 in the fridge. And 3 on my baker's rack. I think I might have a problem...

Nic's Snacks

(Ritz, Teddy Grams, Yogurt Melts, Graham Crackers, Cherios)

So, I just got an email saying there's like 130 days to my baby's birthday. I'm going to go cry in my bed and listen to his heart beat in utero and eat my weight in chocolate. While I do that, enjoy some pictures of my almost 1 year old. :'(

Eating a tortilla, sweet potatoes, peas, cheese, turkey and rice

"uh HELLOOOOO there's no more pudding Mom!!"

Sesame Street, in his bean bag. Drinking fucking formula.

(he drinks anywhere between 4-12 oz of it a day now... nurses only 3-4 times a day )

I'm pretty sure I'm a bad mom for not helping him before taking the picture, but that shit was FUNNY

Just e-mailing his dad.

He sleeps in the most outrageous positions.

His smiles literally melt my heart.

BFFs... sorta

Picture Time!

I'm obsessed with this new face Nic makes. It resembles the face he makes when I tell him no, but it's just him trying to be funny. I think it's mostly because I crinkle my nose when he's being silly, but who really knows. Either way, it's freggin hilarious.

What's not hilarious? Nic not going to anyone else unless he can see me. I love that he only loves me, but I hate when I want to go do something, and he screams because he can't see me. He's pretty good with my mom and sister, but that's really it. He freaks out otherwise. And for my birthday, I'm going to a winery, and Nic is staying home with my dad and brother. Oh well. He'll be alright. I hope.

First I'm going to shit talk about LJ then I'll be nice, I swear.

WHAT THE HELL IS HIS PROBLEM?!?! He's coming to here in Sept, for 2 weeks. He wants to go to Vegas and Flagstaff. Without Nic. I mean, I get not wanting me to go with him, but for Christ's sake. You'd think he'd want to spend every waking moment with his son while here, but instead, he wants to party in Vegas, and party with his brother (who, I'll at least give him credit.... he hasn't seen his bro in like 15 years) in Flagstaff. But what the hell? I can stay in a hotel, and he can bring Nic with him to meet his brother, right? Right. What a douche bag I married.

Then again...

How lucky is Nic to have a father serving overseas when Bin Laden is killed? His dad is making history, obviously, but to have this happen on top of it? even though LJ is a huge douche bag, and doesnt want to spend time with his kid while in town (because he's a selfish selfish fuck) it's pretty cool that Nic will be able to tell his children (MY grandbabies!) that his dad made history.

this is my favorite picture of LJ, ever

And while I'm on a complaining roll...

FUCK YOU CONOR PUERTO RICAN LAST NAME I CAN'T REMEMBER!

That mother fucker hurt my sister SO bad. he was my sweet little sister's prom date. My sister looked beautiful. her hair and make up were perfect (duh, I'm amazing..) and her dress was esquisite. She looked absolutely beautiful.

What did that asshat do?

He was dancing with not only my sister and her friend. HE KISSED THE OTHER GIRL. I swear to God, I want to MURDER this boy. I've never liked him, but I was nice for my sister's sake, but if I see this asshole, GAME ON. I've never seen my sister so hurt, in all my life.

On the plus side, she had a very adorable stand in Prom date, who, in my opinion is way better looking, and has way less acne.

And now, about 100 Pictures for your viewing pleasure:

feeding himself!

pot and pan band- but check out his face! he's giving me the stink eye

awwww he never sleeps this way! it's so sweet

yuuuum

eating an apple core...?

yogurt melt on his cheek.... little stinker

"star of mommy's blog" hahaha

grandparents dancing with the wii

my family on easter, and my bro being crazy

Before his hair cut

after

Stress

So, the job opening in Texas is officially posted on their website. I want it. I want it baaaad. The only problem is... I can't apply! There is something wrong with the application form or something. Like, when it asks me if I'm certified, I can't answer, and you can't progress on the application, until you answer the question; hence my frustration.

The job would be perfect. I know who my team would be, I'm SO comfortable with it that I don't think I'd be stressed for the first day at all.... I'd be in utter bliss.

BUT

I don't have ONE family member there (besides my sweet boy of course..) to catch me if (when) I fall. I have an amazing family. Like, no matter how hard I try to describe it, I just can't. They're amazing. They truly are.

Also, I don't really want Nic growing up only seeing his grandparents once in a while. I was lucky enough to grow up with both sets (plus an extra step grandma, and a great-grandma) alive. BUT I was only close to my mom's parents, because (I think) they lived in the same town as we did. I don't know for sure. That's just my assumption.

And, I mean, there's the whole " wtf am I thinking moving totally on my own with a freggin baby" thing.

My parents I'm sure will help me drive there. Or someone in my family will (see? amazing.).

I just dont know. LJ said he might be able to be stationed there, so that would be good for Nic... and me too, because then LJ can take Nic once in a while, and I wont feel overwhelmed with stress. Or if Nic barfs real people throw up I can call LJ to take him before I have a nervous breakdown. Even though just seeing LJ will probably make me have a nervous breakdown.

With that said...

I'm trying to find an interpreting job here, in Tucson. Anyone know of anything? because I'm almost positive my eyeballs are going to roll out of my head from looking crap up on the internet for jobs. OH and the ONE agency that calls me to sub sometimes? uh yeah. They called the other morning, and said "oh hiiiiii! can you go interpret at an elementary school RIGHT fucking NOW?!"

Meanwile, my child is screaming bloody murder because I wont let him type (smash his hands all the frick over the laptop) to his dad while we were attempting to skype.

The lady (who is super nice) says "I'm going to guess no?"

and so, now I'm freaking out that they'll never ever call me again, and I'll die if I cant interpret. It sucks that I worked SO hard to get my degree in this field, and now I tutor. I mean, obviously, I'd rather stay home with Nic and play all day, and teach HIM sign language, and how to make farting noises and play in our pots and pans band, but the reality is this:

I had a husband who said I would be able to stay at home with our child until he started school, and be an amazing stay at home mom/house wife because that was my dream... and then guess what? he crushed my dreams. So, yeah, shit happens. Life throws you the shittiest curve balls ever, and you just have to adapt and overcome. And it's a shit-fest sometimes, but then you knowwhat? it's ok. you put your big girl panties on, step outside with a bottle of wine and a cigarette and you cry until you want to puke, then you go inside, and peek around the corner, and look at the most amazing child you've ever seen, take a deep breath, and know that it'll work out.

Mostly, because Nic and I can eat dinner together, and when we're done have chocolate ice cream for dessert. Because I found the best thing EVER! It's chocolate ice cream, that is made from coconut milk. wooop!

Nic LOVED it, and then fell right to sleep. At 8:15. On his own.

trying it out....

laughing at me for eating it with his spoon...

the aftermath. choco-goodness

So, pretty much, I'm stressed about the job, and stressed with Nic starting to not just lay around anymore, and the need to be constantly entertained. And I'm stressed that Target is under construction. But, the good news? it's going to be a SUPER TARGET!!! all is right with the world. Well, my shopping world anyway. The rest of the stuff will work itself out... right?