just prayed to a god i don't believe in

My grandma, Big Red, is dying. She had lung cancer, and it has literally taken over her entire body. Last Tuesday was supposed to be her last day. I left work, went to St. Joes ICU and said good bye to her. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I've had my biological dad's grandma die, but I wasn't there to say good bye.This was intense. I told her I loved her, and that I was so lucky to have known her, because I am. Everyone that knows her was lucky to, in some way. Weather it was becuase she said somthing silly you'll always remember or because she was so generous and would give you the shirt off your back, you're lucky... like I'm pretty sure my old neighbor/friend Sara will always remember her saying to us, as we were playing Barbies when we were like, 11-" come on girls, it's time to E-A-T ott."

Wackadoo.

Anyway... she made it. She got out of ICU. Then she was supposed to go to a hospice center.

Then guess what? She was "too healthy" to go there. So now she's home, where she wanted to be. It's incredibly hard for my mom and dad to deal with the responsibility, since really, my dad's siblings aren't that..... close to her. Lets leave it at that.... pretty much my mom and dad are the only ones that would take her in after she had a cerebral aneurysm like 16 years ago.. and so... that's that. 5 kids, 1 stepped up... it's incredible. I obviously put my dad on a pedestal on a daily basis, but for one out of five to step up kinda sums up the kind of man he is, and says a lot about my mother, since she's really the one who does everything for her.... this has all really changed my view on things though. I said I'd never let my mom or a mother in law live with me. Now? I absolutely will. I will never let my mom die in a hospital bed. nope. My mother is a saint after all this. To see how happy my grandma is to be able to die at home? My god. I'd never take that away from anyone.

It's going to be hard as hell for my family to go into her room after it happens, but I think the fact that they know she'll die happy, and content in the fact that she was with everyone out weighs everything.

So, we're taking it not only day by day, but hour by hour. We can't believe she's still with us, and we can't believe how sharp she still is. Like, she knows Nic is almost 1, and said she hopes she's there for his party. I told her her hair looked nice yesterday (her hairdresser stopped by to say hi, and "fixed" it for her) and she said "I know. It always does."

It's little moments like that we're treasuring. It's little moments like that where we're SO lucky to know her.