well well well...

Nic's first Christmas was craazy. Pretty much any event in my family ends up crazy, but I mean... we're obnoxious people. What would one expect?

He got some very cute outfits, some fun bath toys, some books, baby gyms, a saucer, random little hanging toys... he got a ton of stuff. He even got ch-ch pants. I need to find some in my size now, because my new thing? Matching with him. Every day. I mean, not like, exactly the same matchy matchy but, I like to keep it the same colors and style. Don't judge me. It's fun. Moms and daughters get to match and no one thinks it's weird. I'm breaking the barrier here. :)
As for me, I got some pretty great stuff too. target cards to feed my addiction, some freaking awesome angel wings statue little sparkle thing (to match my tattoo), a cross, a video camera, make up ( a toooon of make up, maybe they're trying to tell me something?), home made jewlery from my little mommy, sweaters, socks.... I don't even know. I got a lot.
LJ sent Nic a package with one of those halmark books with his voice reading it, and it was adorable, an elmo stuffie (Nic's favorite stuffie now) some cute jammies and some other books. Seriously, the kid made out like a bandit.

Tons of presents, but all he wanted was my coke!
Nic in his Jammies from his Dad, and Elmo, watching "elmo in grouchland" from Santa...

Oh, also? I got condoms. From Monica. wtf right? yeah, she thought it was hilarious. I, on the other hand, found it a little less amusing than she did...lol.. I'm totally giving them out for halloween. hahaha. Yes. I'm going to be THAT lady, who hands out pennies, tooth brushes and condoms. hey, safety first right?

Nic just wanted to be nakie on Christmas... NBD

We ended up staying at my parents' house on Christmas Eve, and Nic didn't do so well... he's just not used to sleeping in a porta-crib, and it's too big for him... so my little SRB slept with me... and hogged the whole bed. How can a baby so small hog a queen sized bed you may ask? Yeah, I ask it too, so when someone finds the answer, give me a call.

The whole "Nic's dad is deployed" thing sucks still, and it's getting easier, now that we've talked to him, but it still sucks. it's like... I'm putting my life on hold because I reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally feel like we'll work it out when he gets back, but then there's like 32% of me that is realistic, and knows we wont, so I'm dealing with that nonsense and it's freaking annoying. I assume that it will become more clear as time goes on, but as for now? Totally frustrating.

Nic has been sleeping through the night lately and it. is. AWESOME.
He wakes up sometimes at like 3 or 4am, and I think it's just to make sure I'm still right there with him, because he doesn't eat. He's in the bassinet, and I have no desire to put him in the crib. I like to be right with him too. So, when he does start sleeping in there, it's probably going to be me crying in the middle of the night and checking on him...haha... If I give him the paci it usually holds him over for a few hours...but at 5am I bring him in bed with me, and nurse him. Sometimes I get up and actually do things around the house, or just lay with him. Lately? I've just been laying with him cherishing the time I'm able to do it. I really need to start working again. I think it will be good for my sanity, because now, my morning routine consists of me drinking coffee and trying to make Nic say "mama" for 30 minutes, tummy/back time, and watching lifetime movies. Also, eating an ungodly amount of cupcakes. I have some weird new obsession. it's not normal. I hate baking, and it seems to be all I want to do. I wish I could work in a cupcake shop. I seriously would be SO happy baking cupcakes all day, and eating them, and marrying some man who loves fatties. Fatties who love cupcakes and A-1 sauce. mmmmmm


I want these:



And I obviously need to make these:

Afghanistan Can Suck It.

Nic's dad left last night for Afghanistan. It sucks. It's not like he was here helping me out with Nic and now I'll be overwhelmed... but it was nice when Nic was doing something cute to be able to call LJ and tell him what was going on... or when something was really upsetting me with my family, I'd tell him because he was just there to listen... or whatever. We don't always get along, but we were always there for eachother.. and while we'll still be able to skype sometimes, and email... it's just not the same.
Also? The man confused the shit out of me last night, when he said "i love you" before he hung up..it wasn't like "oh I love you Gina.. we'll see eachother soon" kinda thing-- it was just a quick little "I'll call you later... i love you" and it was weird. Of course I said it back, but like... wtf. Basically, we left it at If it happens, it happens, and that's all I guess.

Whatev...

First time actually sucking his thumb! Yay for me being attached to my phone to capture this :)

Where's Nic?

Peek-A-Boo!

In the world of motherhood.... I have some amazing news! Nic has slept through the night 3 nights in a row. The first night, he slept from 11:30-6:45 (it would have been longer if LJ hadn't called and woken us up) and the last 2 nights it was midnight-5am. last night I couldn't sleep to save my life. I even drank (a lot) of wine. I was just so sad about lj leaving. But still, Nic slept!
Last night for him was weird too. My friend Monica came over to whine and wine, and Nic woke up at 9:15 to eat, and I figured by the time she got here, he'd be sleeping. Nope. He didn't sleep until she left. I nursed him twice, AND gave him a second helping of cereal. So, either, he's not getting enough from me, or he's having a growth spurt... or he's jsut a fatso. either way. haha
I think tonight, I'm just going to have him eat a little later than usual, and give him a little more. I dont know... we'll see I guess.

In other news, my Nona is in the hospital, and no one will give us a straight answer as to when she'll be able to come home. She has COPD and bronchitis, and all kinds of anxiety aaaand so my mom and aunt keep joking that the doctor should give her medical marijuana. The woman wont even drink caffeine.. haha I can't even imagine her high.
I
Would
Die

I seriously would laugh myself to death if I saw her high.

But I'm going to slap a doctor in the face if they don't let her go home for Christmas eve. We have a Christmas tradition to go to church, and then my grandparents house for dinner and to open the presents from them, and our aunt. I have an uncle on that side too, but apparently, he's not allowed to talk to us anymore. The douche didn't even congratulate me on Nic, and I send a birth announcement. I have no idea why I wasted it on him, since he and his wife completely separated from out family, and I want to slap them in the face with a fucking fish.
That is all.

Nic and I are going to go watch Grey's Anatomy, and wait by the phone to hear from LJ. Freaking deployment sucks.

No idea why this song's been in my head all day...

just this part though...

If you change your mind, I'm the first in line
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown
Honey I'm still free
Take a chance on me
Gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
If you put me to the test, if you let me try

meh.

The past few days have been so uneventful. It's awesome. :)
My mother in law came to town and we went to babies-r-us, because she wanted to get him a saucer thing... originally she wanted to get him a little walker, but my house is SUPER tiny, and totally carpeted, so it wouldn't work, and I didn't only want to keep it at my mom's because we aren't there often enough for Nic to really enjoy the gift... the saucer is PERFECT! It's the Baby Einstein one. We put Nic in a few, and he really only liked that one, so I'm excited :)

On Saturday, we went to a friends house for a lunch thing, and he took this adorable picture from his iPod. How freggin cool. I want one. My iPod is like 39 years old, and a POS. This one you can get different "cameras" and it is awesome.
Oh and ps? I am a Christmas shopping fool! Seriously- I love shopping for other people. It's like an excuse to feed my addiction. :) but I'm done now, and so I have to stop going to Target every 30 minutes.

Oh- and when we went to Babies R Us, my MiL got Nic a new bath positioner (I actually haven't a clue what it's called) and its a good thing she did. I put Nic in his normal bath, and half way through, he decided to poop. He hasn't done that since he was like 3 weeks old or something. I was dying laughing. His dad was on skype with us, and was cracking up too, but since he did that, I had to put him on the new seat and he liked it, the only thing is, he wiggles a lot, so I wish it had some kind of strap or something on it. What I really want, is a seat for him, since he pretty much can sit up with a little support. But it was a funny evening.

(pre-poop)

Nic's dad leaves in 5 days, and it's freggin breaking my heart to think about it. Not only am I sad for my own selfish reasons, but I mean he's freggin going to Afghanistan. Holy crap. 3rd deployment, and that's just stupid. Also? He's not going to be taking his R&R until Nic's birthday. That's nearly 9 months away. When he comes back here, Nic will probably be walking and kinda talking... He's going to miss everything. I mean, even if we were "really married" he would be missing this but... I dont know.. it just makes me sad.
um... him leaving also feeds my shopping addiction. I really like sending stuff to him while he's deployed. Last tour (we were REALLY married) I sent him 2 boxes a week. One box was full of food, the other just silly shit, and while I won't be sending boxes that often, I already have one almost ready to go with just stupid shit. I'm super excited. I think he's going to LOVE something I'm going to send so hopefully that cheers him up a little. No matter what is happening between us, he's deployed--for us.

plus... is there anything sexier than a man in uniform? I think not.

Sick Little Nic

Not that you can tell at all from the picture, but I have a sickie baby... again. This poor kid has gone through so much in only 12 weeks! Last night, I changed his little diaper, and saw mucus (gross!) and kinda freaked out. But he didn't seem bothered by it at all. About 15 minutes later he was grunting and screaming, and his little eyes were watering! So, normally, he doesn't grunt when he does a pooie, so I changed him, and it was ONLY mucus. I freaked out. he was so upset, and I tried nursing him, and he wasn't taking it. That's when I really started to worry. My child LOVES to eat, so I was kinda nervous. He was ok after a while. He ate his "dinner", but much less than usual, and had a bath, and was splashing and having a good time... until about 3 hours later, and he was super fussy. All. Freaking. Night.
it was awful. Really awful. I'm so tired I want to die a little bit. I took him to the doctor this afternoon, and the doctor thinks he might just have a little virus. No biggie I guess, but it was quite a scare last night.

Today, he's much better. Barfy- but that's kinda normal still. We finished Christmas shopping. Almost actually. I still want to get my dad one more thing, and I need to get a little something for my friend Monica. But after that? DONESKI!!! So happy.

Apparently, this is the week where Nic's father hates me, so things are kinda sucky with that... but oh well. I can't stand the stress he's putting on me, and quite frankly, I'm done dealing with his attitude. In the end, I'm the one that gets to have my sweet little boy barfing on me. Lucky me! Seriously though. Nic's such a mamas boy it's not even funny. He is friendly with most people, but if he can't see me, he looks nervous. I not so secretly love that. I've known he was my everything since January 21st of this year (the day I found out my ego was prego) but now I know I'm his, and I honestly couldn't ask for anything more. Except maybe a HUGE house, and a maid. :)

I'm on the prism diet. I have been since Monday, and so far so good! I'm allowing myself one bad day a week, but not a really bad day. More like one bad meal. That bad meal is of course Wings! I'm not quitting that standing lunch date. I look forward to it all week and wish I went every day. It's like sex in a basket, but better. I'm wondering if that has anything to do with Nic's poo though. it's really not a hard diet or anything, and it's not like I am drinking shakes rather than eating food. I actually am consciously trying to get 1500 calories a day, so it's good. I just am not having flour, sugar or starch. Kinda sucks. I basically would kill a man for a bagel or some pasta.

I laid Nic in his crib so I could do a load of laundry, and he fell asleep just now... and that lasted about 30 minutes. it's a start! he's babbling in there now.. So I better get him before he freaks out too much.
He's such a cutie. :)

:(

My heart hurts today. It happens most Sundays actually. Sundays were the best days with Nic's dad, and I really miss it. They were so nice. We'd get up.. I'd make breakfast, and then go to re-wake LJ..we'd eat and I'd bug him to do things with me, and he'd bug me to watch movies and lay on the couch with him... they were always so amazing.. Sounds silly huh? Well I miss it. Words can't describe how much I miss that, or him really.
I want Sundays to be our family days.. but, I suppose it takes more than one person wanting it, eh?

anyway.

Nic is doing SO well with the cereal. I can't believe how well he is taking to it. I guess my instincts are the best thing to follow, but I keep reading that giving a baby cereal too soon can cause a boat load of problems... and I really am worried.. but I mean- he is doing SO well. What's not doing well? The damn swing. It goes through batteries so freggin fast, and it JUST died, which means this is going to be the fastest blogging session ever.




agh- there is my little man. He loves his food. :)

And, now he loves taking his socks off. He is such a silly boy.

at the end of the day you can either focus on what's tearing you apart or what's holding you together.

The past few days, my normally happy little man, has become a little monster. Not the affectionate nick-name I call him.. like, a MONSTER. I don't know what's up with him. I don't know what to do either, and that's killing me.

My aunt is in the hospital, and has been since Tuesday, so yesterday evening, Nic and I went to visit her. My uncle is like, a baby-whisperer and Nic loves to play with him. My friend called and wanted to go to dinner, and he offered to watch Nic while we went, but I hadn't pumped, so I couldn't have him do that. I SO wish I had now. When we got to the resturaunt, we were told it was a 30 minute wait, so I didnt think it was a problem. Over an hour later, we got seated... Nic wasn't doing bad, until about 10 minutes in, so I went to feed him in the bathroom ( again, shoulda pumped!) and he was fine. Then just as we were finishing up, he started SCREAMING like I was trying to cut off his foot or something. it was so embarrassing. I went to feed him, and nothing helped. So after like, 10 miunutes of him screaming, I started to go crazy myself. We paid, and left and I just was SO upset. I felt like an awful mother, yet again, because I just wanted to have a break. I called his dad, and he was pretty nice about it all, but he was at a friends and I was "ruining his time" so that sucks. I mean, it's his baby too... even if he's not here, I feel like he should at least be somehow a part of this all.

So, this morning, I woke up, and called him. I was going to give Nic some rice cereal, totally watered down with breast milk so it was easier to digest (last night, I have him 2 oz of breast milk with 2 tsp of rice cereal in a bottle and loved it) and I asked LJ to skype so he could see it.
He said yes.
I waited
and waited...
and waited...
....I'm still fucking waiting for him to call.
So I fed Nicolas the cereal- and my little chubster LOVED it. He ate about 1 tsp or so of the cereal, and I nursed him after for about 3 minutes, and he crashed out. And SLEPT IN HIS CRIB!!!!!


So.. my (almost) 12 week old is amazing. He's trying to sit up himself, he freakin rolls over (almost) all the way. Like, from his side to his back he does all the time. It's so funny! He babbles, he watches TV intently. Any time ANYthing is on, he looks at it and laughs, especially kid shows. .. he takes baths and splashes and laughs, and is SO excited. He looks at you and reaches out when he just wants to be held. He smiles at you when smile at him.. well. Me and my mom.. but still.

Pretty cool stuff.

fussy fussy fussy

I have a feeling the principal is going to be calling me after class photos in about 5 years. I didn't even know he was flippin' the bird when I took this.. I just wanted to send a picture of him standing to his dad.

While he is still adorable and fun to play with, he's been SO fussy the past few days, unless he's in the bath, or I'm holding him. I'm not sure what's up, but it's really making me crazy. I can't take it sometimes, and then I feel like an awful mother.
I don't know how to deal with the stress, and its really hard to find a release.

I think next week--I'm getting a massage.

Picture Day

Today is the big photo-shoot for Nicolas. I am kinda freaking out...but mostly excited! It's just for the Christmas card, but still. He's so stinkin cute in the outfit I got for it. It's a little santa suit! How cute is that? I just hope he'll smile for the photographer the way he smiles for me with my phone.


Nic is in love with Sesame Street. I am too, because Super Grover is in AZ and a ball popped on a Saguaro Cactus and he said "hey snake, get outta that ball!" and I am STILL laughing about it. So is Nic. "I made a hole in that ball from my prickly parts"....man oh man. Nic also really likes Yo Gaba Gaba.

Yesterday was my dad's birthday, so Nic and I went over to bake a cake before they got home from Mexico, and on the way there, I stopped to get my sister and I eegees... I may or may not have given Nic a little taste of the cherry cider eegee......
Ok so I did a TINY little taste, and the kid loved it. And I've been getting so much shit for it, but he's obviously fine, and he enjoyed it, so whatever. It's just sugar, and the doctor said when he has gas or the hiccups that a little sugar was good, so ha. He's fine!


Nic's dad is leaving really soon for Afghanistan, and it's pretty much breaking my heart. I don't know what to do to keep Nic aware of at least his voice. We were going to do a build a bear thing while he was in town, but we never got around to doing it. I hope that he maybe does it on his own. My friends daughter has a recording of her dads voice... I dont know how much it helped but still, I think it's important. We'll skype I'm sure, but who knows with the internet over there.
uuugh. All I know is he's going to try and be back in az for Nic's first bday, and I mean... that's about 9 months with no contact with Nic.... I'm guessing he wont have any idea who LJ is, and that is gonna be weird.


Why the heck do I stress myself out with things that are happening in 9 months? Becasue I'm a freak show. That's why.

So, anyway, after picture day, we're going to my nona's to get Nic's stocking embroidered. It's so hard not having stockings readily available! I guess that's what I get for wanting unique spelling for my little man. I wanted something more than the red stocking with the glitter paint writing. I have a personalized stocking, and so does Nic's dad... so he needs one too! my mother in law is so cute about stockings. She got Nic a "babys first xmas" one with a picture of him on it, then shes getting a stocking embroidered with Nic's colors. SO cute! But LJ and I agreed that with Nic's green stocking, we'll put his name in red. More festive I suppose. I really am excited for Christmas -- but next year is going to be awesome.

Last night, when I was giving Nic a bath, I recorded him splashing and laughing, and it was SO CUTE! then I went to send it to people, and apparently, it's too freggin big. I'm SO mad. It was so cute! And so of course I lose the usb cord to upload it on my computer, because I got the phone the day I got home from the hospital.. and yeah. I'm an idiot! I guess I should go buy one, so I can back up my phone anyway, but ugh, it's so annoying.
At least I got a picture.




Wish me luck with the pictures!

fact

aaaand this song describes it exactly.

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Thanksgiving

I love my family. Thanksgiving consisted of my parents, sister, brother, 3 cousins and grandparents, plus Nic and myself. That was for the dinner part.
We probably had enough food for about 45 people.
it was amazing.

My aunt makes the pies so when she was done with her in laws she came over with her girls, and fiance, we ate pie and we played cards. All 13 of us played cards, and who won? My crazy grandma betty. The woman is like a million years old and had no idea what was going on. She kept saying she had a good pair, and we were playing 31... and SHE won.

and Nic had some pretty good hands too...

Nic had some male bonding with my uncle wayde (my aunts fiance) and I seriously think my aunt needs to find some way to get pregnant with a boy. Between the 2 of them, they have 4 girls. I. WOULD. DIE.
It was an amazing Thanksgiving, with an even more amazing family.







Yesterday was also pretty hard... we dropped Nic's dad off at the airport. I hate it. I hate dropping anyone at the airport unless they're coming back, and he's not so it sucked. it sucked to see him hold Nic crying and telling him he loved him, it sucked with him hugging me and me crying, it sucked that he said he'd be lying if he said he didn't love me. it sucks even more that no matter what he says or how much we fight, I don't think I'll ever love anyone as much as I love him.
It sucks knowing that it could be great, but because we tried to do it long distance and he got mad at me calling and asking about a freaking wall, he gave up.
It sucks that I asked him to think about making it work.
ugh.

I will say this though...as weird as it was having him here.. sometimes good, sometimes awful.. it's nice to have my life back.
Nic was so worn out from playing with Wayde, and being passed around, he fell asleep at 10:30 and woke up at 1:30 and 5:30, then again for the day at 8:30. It was awesome.

And, for the first time in years, I'm not out black friday shopping...
I'm serious when I say single moms have to make sacrifices... me? missing shopping sales? absurd!


oh and ps? I wont be working, because everything sucks in tucson

single mom working.

So... I'm about 99.99% I'll be starting an interpreting gig on Monday morning, through December 16th. I am freaking out. Not only have I not interpreted since May, but I'll be leaving my little birdie boy for 3 weeks. :( I am freaking OUT.
I'll be leaving Nic with my mom, then my nona. My mom works at 2, and I wont get off until 3:30ish. I'll be working at the school I worked at last year, so that's kinda cool. I'll know the "team" and I'll know the clients (unless they have new students there) but I'm still super nervous. The good thing is, the other interpreters are like, insanely nice and helpful so I know if I am kinda wonky the first few days they'll be patient. I just hope I don't screw up, but I mean its been a while.

My other concern is... I EBF so, I'm really hoping I can pump at work, and make enough to not have to put my little baby on formula because that's just not in my plan. I know plans change, but I really don't have a lot of control of anything...but EBF was the only thing I really really didn't want to have to give up... that's the shit part about doing this alone. I mean, there's a lot of bull shit that happens while doing this alone.. but had Nic's dad and I stayed together, I would have been able to stay home for at least 2 years with him, and I would have been freaking thrilled. so... yay for that.

ugh.

Anyway, I would have put Nic in daycare, but it's only 3 weeks, (if I even get it) and I dont feel comfortable leaving Nic with a stranger yet. Plus? look how much Nic loves his Nona!




He ALWAYS smiles at her, and if I even say the word "nona" he has a huge grin on his face. it's so cute



Today is the last day LJ is here, so once he gets back from doing things for his grandma, we're going to do Santa pictures. If we just sit at my house, we argue, so I'm trying to stay out, because it's his last day. Theres no reason to fight and ruin the last day for him, me and more importantly Nicolas.

Tomorrow morning, after we drop Nic's dad off, we're headed to my mother's house for an Italian Thanksgiving, and I'm so excited! Nic has 2 outfits to wear, and I'm pretty sure it's going to be an amazing first thanksgiving for him!

Hurry up.

Single parenting, with the other parent around.... huh?

I just was saying how well Nic's dad and I were getting along, and how helpful he was being and then *SHABAM!* it goes back to being a shitfest. I can pin point it exactly, but I honestly don't want to waste the time telling everyone about how me asking him to roll over for snoring caused world war III because it's really stupid.

So, as much as I didn't want to, yesterday, I went to the fakesgiving dinner. I didn't want to go because Nic's dad was being a jerk to me, stormed off at 5am. I didn't want to go because I was going to feel hella uncomfortable. I didn't want to go to make a point.
...then I realized if I didn't go the point would be that I looked like a huge See You Next Tuesday. So I called his mother, and talked to HER because mr. doucher didn't care enough to call without his mother telling him to, and she said to just come, because even if LJ doesn't think I'm family, I still am to her. it was really quite nice of her to say that. So, I went against everything and went.

Also, yesterday something wonky was happening with my boob. It hurt like when you fold your ear in your sleep, and you wake up and you're like woah, wtf mate? who punched my ear? that. It hurt like that. All freaking day long (it still hurts today even) and I was freaking out trying to go to the doctor, but since I'm over 8 weeks PP, they said I had to get a referral, which takes up to 72 hours and blah blah freaking blah. So I went to target, got these soother gel things for my nips, and went to the dinner. PS? don't waste your money on those if your boobies hurt. They don't work. And its awkward.
And let me just say this. I freaking HATE when i walk in the door and people just whisk away my child. he is mine, therefore you must ASK to hold him.
anyway, I get there, and naturally Nic was hungry, so I went into the room to feed him and LJ came with, and we chatted for a little and then we went to eat. I didn't want to eat, because I felt like death, but LJs step-dad is an amazing chef (like, a legit chef, not "hey I like to cook so I'm gonna call myself a chef" kinda chef) so I thought what the heck, I'll try. So LJ nicely made me a plate, and we sat down to eat and his cousin came in, REEKING ...seriously, reeking of a cigarette, so I finished eating, my MiL was holding Nic, and his cousin asked to hold him. So, I took nic and was going to get a passi, and I pulled LJ aside and told him she couldnt hold him, and then I told my MiL I didn't want her even NEAR my child, and everyone was cool about it.
Until this morning. Apparently, all I did was complain the WHOLE time ruining everyone's dinner, and I'm a HUGE douche. right? uh...ok.

This morning's activities included an hour long argument. Why might you ask? oh. it's because i was up all night changing the baby, and he had to do it TWO times so when i asked this morning for him to do it he concluded that was all he was good for.
mmmm ok. So I was a smart ass and said "oh and youre GREAT at paying CS!"
I seriously think we have some NEED to fight if we get along for more than 24 hours. its like, if we dont, the world will stop spinning, and I dont really want to be responsible for THAT to happen. but seriously, wtf. 2 more days, and he cant just be decent, so it makes me not want to be decent.. i'm so tired of the fighting, and me begging him to be around his kid.
oh, and last night, Nic peed on him, So he went to change adn get an eegee (the most amazing thing in Tucson) and it took 2 hours. eegees is down the street. I assumed he fell asleep since he's famous for douching out of plans because he fell asleep, so I texted his mom to tell him just not to bother, and LJ calls me and says his car ran outta gas blah blah blah. He came back here at freakin 10:45 and Nic was asleep.. I mean, we decided he wasn't going to stay here. So at midnight, i was tired. Apparently, because I was tired, it meant LJ should be too, so he stayed here, causing said argument this morning. Like, if youre going to stay here to "help" fucking be here to help. Don't just say youre going to help to look good to everyone else. He got up two times. I got up like 5. I loathe people that try to make themselves sound helpful when really? they're sleeping on your bedroom floor snoring all effing night. Again.

So, Thursday needs to get here, and it needs to hurry up. I want my life back. I want my little family back. I haven't seen my own parents because I've been too busy appeasing Nic's father, and I miss them. They're there for me every day. They're there for Nic every day. LJ is here for TWELVE days and only 2 of them were nice.

I assume if I were in his shoes I wouldn't be thinking "oh man, Gina is a douche bag, I gotta get the hell away from her, but first I'll insult her in every way possible and then storm out like a fucking 2 year old" no no no!
I would think this:
"holy shit, I'm about to deploy for a year. my kid will have absolutley no idea who I am, and he'll be walking and talking and I will be missing all of it, so I'm going to do everything I possibly can to make it bearable for both of us so i can spend time with my precious son"

...but I guess that's just me eh?

This morning, he stormed out again, and when i asked him for a time (because I have to go to work) he said sometime before the sun goes down. WTF! yeah ok. So I said, uh no, give me at least an estemite. And he said no. So I said, then you can't come back here because I need times, so I can plan accordingly, and he said he was waiting for me to say that so he could leave. Now-wtf does that mean? because my career as an interpreter made me interpret it this way:
"I'm a huge wonky douche who just wants to leave so i can smoke and sleep at my grandmas becasue I can't do it at your house, so I'm going to be an assmunch to you until you kick me out, that way YOU look like the ass munch, and don't and I can tell everyone youre a huge bitch and blah blah blah"

Please remember, I was trained at interpreting, so I'm a professional.
ok, so i was trained in interpreting ASL but still.

we made this onesie to match , because we were getting along, and it was cute.

i let him sleep with me and Nic because we were getting along, and this too, was cute.

this was all me. I love slouchy hats on me, and it looks like a chef on Nic!

My big boy sitting up all the time now.

My little monster. He's so sweet.

I'm pretty sure I laughed so hard after he peed on his father, that I scared him.... and also, he hates being in anything but full clothing, so he was being a cry baby... but how cute is that robe?!

oh, and I didn't give Nic the zantac for 3 days, adn I thought he was doing ok. WRONG!
Guess i'll keep giving him a lose dose for a little while again. Poor kid was screaming in pain while nursing last night. :(

I just don't know what to do for the next 2 days. I really don't. I don't want LJ to leave on bad terms, because he IS deploying for a year... but I don't want to have to subject myself to him degrading me, and coming and going as he pleases and I'm just way too stressed out. I shouldn't feel uncomfortable in my own home, and I shouldn't have to stop my life becasue he's in town.

Seriously-single parenting, with the other parent around is the most awkward thing in the world.

alone time.

Being a single mother means giving up a LOT of things. One being alone time.. me time... whatever you want to call it. My mom always offers to watch Nic, as does my Nona and two of my aunts. I always say no though, because I don't want it to be a burden.
...however...

when it's your own child, it's not called babysitting, it's called hanging out. So, Nic and his dad have been hanging out sans mommy for the past 2 nights.


Thursday night, LJ (nic's dad) and I decided we were DYING for Chinese food. So, we went to this little place I love and had dinner. it was so nice. We were getting along perfectly, and it felt like we were a family. I struggled all through dinner not to cry. The difference in people too...
Holy shit.
When people see me alone with Nic, they glance at my hand, see no ring and say "oh.. what a cute baby..how old?" and I tell them, and they always ALWAYS say "...oh..." and you can tell they feel sorry for me, which by the way, I freaking HATE.
At dinner, people were coming up to us, saying how adorable Nic is(duh) and they were congratulating LJ and I.
I hate that it's different.
I hate that I was wishing this was how it was every day.

Anyway, when we got back home, I asked him if he would babysit Nic. He told me he didn't think it was babysitting, and it made me even more happy. So, Monica and I went and had an adult starbucks night. it was AMAZING! LJ's phone was broken, so I kept freaking out that something was wrong with Nic of course, but it was fine.
I got home, and LJ went to his grandmas house. It was an odd end to a nice day, but I was just so happy we didn't argue all freggin day.

So, ever since LJ said he was coming out here, I had planned a night out with my friends. I had it planned for Friday night. LJ said again, he would sit with Nic, so I was elated.
Friday morning, he came over here to hang out, go to Nic's doctor appt for the rest of his shots (I break them up just in case..)and again, it was a really nice day...and it really upset me. Like.. it could always be like that if he just pulled his head out of his ass and looked around once in a while.
But anway-- I went to a little pub here in town, with my bestie, and the boys and it was a lot of fun...
LJ was like, amazing last night, and got up with Nic, since I drank and couldn't nurse him and OH MY LORD they have these breast milk test strip things, and I freakin love them. I felt so much better not having to "pump and dump."
Anyway... today we're going to visit both of the grandmas, and then who knows..

All I know is when things are good like this... and as much as he's a jerk like 98% of the time.. but when its good like this, it really makes me wish we could work it out.

8 more days.

I'm not big on the idea of the television being a babysitter for kids... let alone babies. But look at my zombie boy watching Sesame Street!
Its so freakin adorable! He doesn't like the abby cadabby or whatever. he fell asleep during her little part.

I used to absolutely LOVE Sesame Street when I was a little girl... I still have all the books...

Also, that's my craft cabinet, so it's messy. Like that's supposed to be organized? I guess it is. But whatever.

I can not begin to describe the amount of stress I'm under with Nic's father here. He's such a jerk. He never used to be, but ever since he decided he didnt want to be married, its like he HAS to be mean to me in order to be around me.. and uh.. excuse me but if I am the ONE person that holds the key to you seeing your kid? Don't be an asshat please.

So, ya know. We've been fighting, and he's left, he came back, I yelled, I said sorry, I said come around when you want.. and guess where that guy is...? not here with Nic that's for sure. I thought he was at his grandmother's since he said "hey, I'm going to my grandmas" but when I called there, she said he hasn't been there. So whatevs..I'm oh so done trying.

So, here's the deal. I'm Gina, and I'm a shopaholic. Specifically, Target.
ok, so yesterday, I went there for some diapers, and GUESS WHAT!?! the target brand diapers were on sale- 144 for $19.99. THAT. IS. AWESOME
So I went back today, because my fatso baby is not really going to be a size 2 much longer, so I went and got a size 3. yep.
2 months old, in a size 3.
So anyway, we went yesterday to buy Nic's new gf a "welcome to the world" present. I didn't get much more, and I'm very proud of myself. :]
My good friend just had a baby girl. She's so freakin cute! I went to visit Grace while she was in labor.. went down the hall to check on my little bird, and when I came back--literally 3 minutes later-- she was pushin that baby out. All 8.2 pounds , 21.5 inches of her. She's a champ!

...lovers...

So, while we were at target, Nic got super fussy, and I bought him a new passy, aaaaaaaaaaaaand its a 3 month one, and he liked it a lot until about 4 minutes ago, when he had major meltown number 55 since his dad's been here. ...his schedule is all weird, since his dad doesn't give a shit as to the times he naps, and wont respect me AT ALL as a freakin mother.
I think I'm going crazy, and I'm not kidding.
Anyway. Once he had the passy, he fell asleep, and I decided it would be a great idea to entertain myself.
And here is the result:

As I've said a bajillion times, I hate people sleeping in anything but a bed. But he's AH-dorable.
Also? he is my grandpas twin the way he's sleeping :]

I like to think I'm a really really strong independent person. For some reason though, I let Nic's dad walk all over me, and totally go against what I want, and I do not know why.
It's really hard being a single mom. It's even harder when you're not technically single yet, and your "husband" is not wanting to be around your son, but instead texting whoever, and ugh.
he's in town for 8 more days before he leaves for Afghanistan, but he's never around Nic.
Whenever I say anything, he trumps me with this: "Gina, I'm leaving for Afghanistan" and he wins.
I hate this.
November 25th, please hurry and get here, or I may just become an alcoholic.

Also? I want a doctor to tell me why my little baby is so stuffy. He's sitting upright in his swing, and he's snoring and choking on his own boogies. :( my poor little guy.

uh...

uh, I don't even know where to start really.
Yesterday, before getting Nic's dad (his flight was late), Monica and I hit up Starbucks with the kids. I really don't know what I'd do without her. I just needed some friend time before he came in town. Honestly, I wasn't that nervous to pick him up. Everyone kept asking me that.. but I wasn't. I was mad actually. I can't figure out why, but I was. Oh. Maybe it's because I totally was screwed over while pregnant? I don't know for sure...

Things were ok yesterday. I mean, I tried. I made dinner, let him totally throw off Nic's schedule, just so they could spend some time together.. but at about 7 he started to get like, super tired, and I think everyone in the world knows I freaking hate when people sleep on the couch. I mean, it's like I become the Hulk and I freak out about it. I hate it THAT much. Anyway. I said he could stay here the first night and I got an air mattress and said to go sleep in Nic's room on there and he said no, he wanted to sleep on the couch, and I should be more accommodating to him. WHAT THE SHIT?!?!?!

lets review the things I'm doing to "accommodate" him:

• picking him up from the airport
• letting him stay here
• making him dinner
• buying his favorite soda
• buying him snacks
• GOING TO HIS PARENTS HOUSE FOR A FAKE THANKSGIVING

So, yeah, a big wtf mate was in order. I didnt fight. I just said "if you want to go to sleep, go in Nics room or you can leave"
I got a "but I'm leaving for Afghanistan soon, so just let me..I'm the guest"

Nic hates fighting. He started crying, so I think it made his father realize what was happening and whatever. It was a rough night for me.

I will say this.. when he's spending time with Nic he's great... but I have to tell him to do it. Why should I have to initiate it? Shouldn't he just want to do it?

This situation is freaking insane.

I hope for Nic's sake, things get better, but I can't imagine that happening.

Nic's dad comes in today. While I'm glad he's wanting to come to see his son.. it's like, a bitter sweet reunion for me. Nic is totally picking up on these emotions.

sometimes we're happy

sometimes we're really upset about it



it's exhausting.

Speaking of exhausting....
I have desperately been trying to have Nic sleep in his bassinet. Usually, he will sleep in there from 11pm-2:30 or 3am, which is awesome. He'll wake up and eat.. and stay awake. UNLESS I lay him in bed with me.. then he zonks out. Am I proud to say I let him do this every night? No. But I need sleep. I really need sleep. Like, not 3 or 4 hours. All I'm asking for is 6 straight hours. Maybe when he moves out? But maybe that will never happen, because he'll never be able to sleep anywhere but with freakin' me. aaagh.

I really am against letting him cry it out at this age.. but next month, I might try letting him cry for like ten minutes? I dont know. I'll feel like a douche bag if I do that.




I think my sweet little man has hit another growth spurt. Not only is he SUPER clingy, but he's been eating more. Not more often, just longer-which I don't mind at all, but it's just such a change from his usual 10 minute nursing sessions. Now they're more like 20-30.
But, he really is growing! His grammy bought these shirts for him and when she brought them down about 3 weeks ago, we laughed at how big they looked, and hoped that he'd be able to fit into them when it was cool, since they were sized at 6months. Yeah....

Fits pretty well at 2 months...

He's so damn cute.



also? His rash has almost completely cleared up. Stupid doctors telling me to use all this nonsense. Idiots. Vaselene is the only thing that's working. Also, oddly, nipple butter? I hope no one tells him that when he's older. Or maybe I'll save it for when he brings over some skank I dislike. God- I dread that day.

So, I've been using Arbon bath wash for Nic, along with the cetaphil, and it has totally cleared him up.

see?

So, I love little boys in hats. I didn't think Nic would mind wearing them, since I put him in hoodies all the time, but when I put hats on him, he started cracking up! He's such a little ham! When I pull out my phone, he knows it's picture time, and goes all out and smiles. I love it!

Wish me luck for this upcoming 12 days. It's going to be insanely hard, I'm sure. For every pleasant day, there are like 4 awful arguments. its like a circle, and it sucks.
A girl I went to hs with, messaged me on fb that if I could endure child birth, I could endure this crappy situation...it was very encouraging..

( But, I'd rather give birth sans epidural than have to go through this)