alone time.

Being a single mother means giving up a LOT of things. One being alone time.. me time... whatever you want to call it. My mom always offers to watch Nic, as does my Nona and two of my aunts. I always say no though, because I don't want it to be a burden.
...however...

when it's your own child, it's not called babysitting, it's called hanging out. So, Nic and his dad have been hanging out sans mommy for the past 2 nights.


Thursday night, LJ (nic's dad) and I decided we were DYING for Chinese food. So, we went to this little place I love and had dinner. it was so nice. We were getting along perfectly, and it felt like we were a family. I struggled all through dinner not to cry. The difference in people too...
Holy shit.
When people see me alone with Nic, they glance at my hand, see no ring and say "oh.. what a cute baby..how old?" and I tell them, and they always ALWAYS say "...oh..." and you can tell they feel sorry for me, which by the way, I freaking HATE.
At dinner, people were coming up to us, saying how adorable Nic is(duh) and they were congratulating LJ and I.
I hate that it's different.
I hate that I was wishing this was how it was every day.

Anyway, when we got back home, I asked him if he would babysit Nic. He told me he didn't think it was babysitting, and it made me even more happy. So, Monica and I went and had an adult starbucks night. it was AMAZING! LJ's phone was broken, so I kept freaking out that something was wrong with Nic of course, but it was fine.
I got home, and LJ went to his grandmas house. It was an odd end to a nice day, but I was just so happy we didn't argue all freggin day.

So, ever since LJ said he was coming out here, I had planned a night out with my friends. I had it planned for Friday night. LJ said again, he would sit with Nic, so I was elated.
Friday morning, he came over here to hang out, go to Nic's doctor appt for the rest of his shots (I break them up just in case..)and again, it was a really nice day...and it really upset me. Like.. it could always be like that if he just pulled his head out of his ass and looked around once in a while.
But anway-- I went to a little pub here in town, with my bestie, and the boys and it was a lot of fun...
LJ was like, amazing last night, and got up with Nic, since I drank and couldn't nurse him and OH MY LORD they have these breast milk test strip things, and I freakin love them. I felt so much better not having to "pump and dump."
Anyway... today we're going to visit both of the grandmas, and then who knows..

All I know is when things are good like this... and as much as he's a jerk like 98% of the time.. but when its good like this, it really makes me wish we could work it out.