Hurry up.

Single parenting, with the other parent around.... huh?

I just was saying how well Nic's dad and I were getting along, and how helpful he was being and then *SHABAM!* it goes back to being a shitfest. I can pin point it exactly, but I honestly don't want to waste the time telling everyone about how me asking him to roll over for snoring caused world war III because it's really stupid.

So, as much as I didn't want to, yesterday, I went to the fakesgiving dinner. I didn't want to go because Nic's dad was being a jerk to me, stormed off at 5am. I didn't want to go because I was going to feel hella uncomfortable. I didn't want to go to make a point.
...then I realized if I didn't go the point would be that I looked like a huge See You Next Tuesday. So I called his mother, and talked to HER because mr. doucher didn't care enough to call without his mother telling him to, and she said to just come, because even if LJ doesn't think I'm family, I still am to her. it was really quite nice of her to say that. So, I went against everything and went.

Also, yesterday something wonky was happening with my boob. It hurt like when you fold your ear in your sleep, and you wake up and you're like woah, wtf mate? who punched my ear? that. It hurt like that. All freaking day long (it still hurts today even) and I was freaking out trying to go to the doctor, but since I'm over 8 weeks PP, they said I had to get a referral, which takes up to 72 hours and blah blah freaking blah. So I went to target, got these soother gel things for my nips, and went to the dinner. PS? don't waste your money on those if your boobies hurt. They don't work. And its awkward.
And let me just say this. I freaking HATE when i walk in the door and people just whisk away my child. he is mine, therefore you must ASK to hold him.
anyway, I get there, and naturally Nic was hungry, so I went into the room to feed him and LJ came with, and we chatted for a little and then we went to eat. I didn't want to eat, because I felt like death, but LJs step-dad is an amazing chef (like, a legit chef, not "hey I like to cook so I'm gonna call myself a chef" kinda chef) so I thought what the heck, I'll try. So LJ nicely made me a plate, and we sat down to eat and his cousin came in, REEKING ...seriously, reeking of a cigarette, so I finished eating, my MiL was holding Nic, and his cousin asked to hold him. So, I took nic and was going to get a passi, and I pulled LJ aside and told him she couldnt hold him, and then I told my MiL I didn't want her even NEAR my child, and everyone was cool about it.
Until this morning. Apparently, all I did was complain the WHOLE time ruining everyone's dinner, and I'm a HUGE douche. right? uh...ok.

This morning's activities included an hour long argument. Why might you ask? oh. it's because i was up all night changing the baby, and he had to do it TWO times so when i asked this morning for him to do it he concluded that was all he was good for.
mmmm ok. So I was a smart ass and said "oh and youre GREAT at paying CS!"
I seriously think we have some NEED to fight if we get along for more than 24 hours. its like, if we dont, the world will stop spinning, and I dont really want to be responsible for THAT to happen. but seriously, wtf. 2 more days, and he cant just be decent, so it makes me not want to be decent.. i'm so tired of the fighting, and me begging him to be around his kid.
oh, and last night, Nic peed on him, So he went to change adn get an eegee (the most amazing thing in Tucson) and it took 2 hours. eegees is down the street. I assumed he fell asleep since he's famous for douching out of plans because he fell asleep, so I texted his mom to tell him just not to bother, and LJ calls me and says his car ran outta gas blah blah blah. He came back here at freakin 10:45 and Nic was asleep.. I mean, we decided he wasn't going to stay here. So at midnight, i was tired. Apparently, because I was tired, it meant LJ should be too, so he stayed here, causing said argument this morning. Like, if youre going to stay here to "help" fucking be here to help. Don't just say youre going to help to look good to everyone else. He got up two times. I got up like 5. I loathe people that try to make themselves sound helpful when really? they're sleeping on your bedroom floor snoring all effing night. Again.

So, Thursday needs to get here, and it needs to hurry up. I want my life back. I want my little family back. I haven't seen my own parents because I've been too busy appeasing Nic's father, and I miss them. They're there for me every day. They're there for Nic every day. LJ is here for TWELVE days and only 2 of them were nice.

I assume if I were in his shoes I wouldn't be thinking "oh man, Gina is a douche bag, I gotta get the hell away from her, but first I'll insult her in every way possible and then storm out like a fucking 2 year old" no no no!
I would think this:
"holy shit, I'm about to deploy for a year. my kid will have absolutley no idea who I am, and he'll be walking and talking and I will be missing all of it, so I'm going to do everything I possibly can to make it bearable for both of us so i can spend time with my precious son"

...but I guess that's just me eh?

This morning, he stormed out again, and when i asked him for a time (because I have to go to work) he said sometime before the sun goes down. WTF! yeah ok. So I said, uh no, give me at least an estemite. And he said no. So I said, then you can't come back here because I need times, so I can plan accordingly, and he said he was waiting for me to say that so he could leave. Now-wtf does that mean? because my career as an interpreter made me interpret it this way:
"I'm a huge wonky douche who just wants to leave so i can smoke and sleep at my grandmas becasue I can't do it at your house, so I'm going to be an assmunch to you until you kick me out, that way YOU look like the ass munch, and don't and I can tell everyone youre a huge bitch and blah blah blah"

Please remember, I was trained at interpreting, so I'm a professional.
ok, so i was trained in interpreting ASL but still.

we made this onesie to match , because we were getting along, and it was cute.

i let him sleep with me and Nic because we were getting along, and this too, was cute.

this was all me. I love slouchy hats on me, and it looks like a chef on Nic!

My big boy sitting up all the time now.

My little monster. He's so sweet.

I'm pretty sure I laughed so hard after he peed on his father, that I scared him.... and also, he hates being in anything but full clothing, so he was being a cry baby... but how cute is that robe?!

oh, and I didn't give Nic the zantac for 3 days, adn I thought he was doing ok. WRONG!
Guess i'll keep giving him a lose dose for a little while again. Poor kid was screaming in pain while nursing last night. :(

I just don't know what to do for the next 2 days. I really don't. I don't want LJ to leave on bad terms, because he IS deploying for a year... but I don't want to have to subject myself to him degrading me, and coming and going as he pleases and I'm just way too stressed out. I shouldn't feel uncomfortable in my own home, and I shouldn't have to stop my life becasue he's in town.

Seriously-single parenting, with the other parent around is the most awkward thing in the world.

alone time.

Being a single mother means giving up a LOT of things. One being alone time.. me time... whatever you want to call it. My mom always offers to watch Nic, as does my Nona and two of my aunts. I always say no though, because I don't want it to be a burden.
...however...

when it's your own child, it's not called babysitting, it's called hanging out. So, Nic and his dad have been hanging out sans mommy for the past 2 nights.


Thursday night, LJ (nic's dad) and I decided we were DYING for Chinese food. So, we went to this little place I love and had dinner. it was so nice. We were getting along perfectly, and it felt like we were a family. I struggled all through dinner not to cry. The difference in people too...
Holy shit.
When people see me alone with Nic, they glance at my hand, see no ring and say "oh.. what a cute baby..how old?" and I tell them, and they always ALWAYS say "...oh..." and you can tell they feel sorry for me, which by the way, I freaking HATE.
At dinner, people were coming up to us, saying how adorable Nic is(duh) and they were congratulating LJ and I.
I hate that it's different.
I hate that I was wishing this was how it was every day.

Anyway, when we got back home, I asked him if he would babysit Nic. He told me he didn't think it was babysitting, and it made me even more happy. So, Monica and I went and had an adult starbucks night. it was AMAZING! LJ's phone was broken, so I kept freaking out that something was wrong with Nic of course, but it was fine.
I got home, and LJ went to his grandmas house. It was an odd end to a nice day, but I was just so happy we didn't argue all freggin day.

So, ever since LJ said he was coming out here, I had planned a night out with my friends. I had it planned for Friday night. LJ said again, he would sit with Nic, so I was elated.
Friday morning, he came over here to hang out, go to Nic's doctor appt for the rest of his shots (I break them up just in case..)and again, it was a really nice day...and it really upset me. Like.. it could always be like that if he just pulled his head out of his ass and looked around once in a while.
But anway-- I went to a little pub here in town, with my bestie, and the boys and it was a lot of fun...
LJ was like, amazing last night, and got up with Nic, since I drank and couldn't nurse him and OH MY LORD they have these breast milk test strip things, and I freakin love them. I felt so much better not having to "pump and dump."
Anyway... today we're going to visit both of the grandmas, and then who knows..

All I know is when things are good like this... and as much as he's a jerk like 98% of the time.. but when its good like this, it really makes me wish we could work it out.

8 more days.

I'm not big on the idea of the television being a babysitter for kids... let alone babies. But look at my zombie boy watching Sesame Street!
Its so freakin adorable! He doesn't like the abby cadabby or whatever. he fell asleep during her little part.

I used to absolutely LOVE Sesame Street when I was a little girl... I still have all the books...

Also, that's my craft cabinet, so it's messy. Like that's supposed to be organized? I guess it is. But whatever.

I can not begin to describe the amount of stress I'm under with Nic's father here. He's such a jerk. He never used to be, but ever since he decided he didnt want to be married, its like he HAS to be mean to me in order to be around me.. and uh.. excuse me but if I am the ONE person that holds the key to you seeing your kid? Don't be an asshat please.

So, ya know. We've been fighting, and he's left, he came back, I yelled, I said sorry, I said come around when you want.. and guess where that guy is...? not here with Nic that's for sure. I thought he was at his grandmother's since he said "hey, I'm going to my grandmas" but when I called there, she said he hasn't been there. So whatevs..I'm oh so done trying.

So, here's the deal. I'm Gina, and I'm a shopaholic. Specifically, Target.
ok, so yesterday, I went there for some diapers, and GUESS WHAT!?! the target brand diapers were on sale- 144 for $19.99. THAT. IS. AWESOME
So I went back today, because my fatso baby is not really going to be a size 2 much longer, so I went and got a size 3. yep.
2 months old, in a size 3.
So anyway, we went yesterday to buy Nic's new gf a "welcome to the world" present. I didn't get much more, and I'm very proud of myself. :]
My good friend just had a baby girl. She's so freakin cute! I went to visit Grace while she was in labor.. went down the hall to check on my little bird, and when I came back--literally 3 minutes later-- she was pushin that baby out. All 8.2 pounds , 21.5 inches of her. She's a champ!

...lovers...

So, while we were at target, Nic got super fussy, and I bought him a new passy, aaaaaaaaaaaaand its a 3 month one, and he liked it a lot until about 4 minutes ago, when he had major meltown number 55 since his dad's been here. ...his schedule is all weird, since his dad doesn't give a shit as to the times he naps, and wont respect me AT ALL as a freakin mother.
I think I'm going crazy, and I'm not kidding.
Anyway. Once he had the passy, he fell asleep, and I decided it would be a great idea to entertain myself.
And here is the result:

As I've said a bajillion times, I hate people sleeping in anything but a bed. But he's AH-dorable.
Also? he is my grandpas twin the way he's sleeping :]

I like to think I'm a really really strong independent person. For some reason though, I let Nic's dad walk all over me, and totally go against what I want, and I do not know why.
It's really hard being a single mom. It's even harder when you're not technically single yet, and your "husband" is not wanting to be around your son, but instead texting whoever, and ugh.
he's in town for 8 more days before he leaves for Afghanistan, but he's never around Nic.
Whenever I say anything, he trumps me with this: "Gina, I'm leaving for Afghanistan" and he wins.
I hate this.
November 25th, please hurry and get here, or I may just become an alcoholic.

Also? I want a doctor to tell me why my little baby is so stuffy. He's sitting upright in his swing, and he's snoring and choking on his own boogies. :( my poor little guy.

uh...

uh, I don't even know where to start really.
Yesterday, before getting Nic's dad (his flight was late), Monica and I hit up Starbucks with the kids. I really don't know what I'd do without her. I just needed some friend time before he came in town. Honestly, I wasn't that nervous to pick him up. Everyone kept asking me that.. but I wasn't. I was mad actually. I can't figure out why, but I was. Oh. Maybe it's because I totally was screwed over while pregnant? I don't know for sure...

Things were ok yesterday. I mean, I tried. I made dinner, let him totally throw off Nic's schedule, just so they could spend some time together.. but at about 7 he started to get like, super tired, and I think everyone in the world knows I freaking hate when people sleep on the couch. I mean, it's like I become the Hulk and I freak out about it. I hate it THAT much. Anyway. I said he could stay here the first night and I got an air mattress and said to go sleep in Nic's room on there and he said no, he wanted to sleep on the couch, and I should be more accommodating to him. WHAT THE SHIT?!?!?!

lets review the things I'm doing to "accommodate" him:

• picking him up from the airport
• letting him stay here
• making him dinner
• buying his favorite soda
• buying him snacks
• GOING TO HIS PARENTS HOUSE FOR A FAKE THANKSGIVING

So, yeah, a big wtf mate was in order. I didnt fight. I just said "if you want to go to sleep, go in Nics room or you can leave"
I got a "but I'm leaving for Afghanistan soon, so just let me..I'm the guest"

Nic hates fighting. He started crying, so I think it made his father realize what was happening and whatever. It was a rough night for me.

I will say this.. when he's spending time with Nic he's great... but I have to tell him to do it. Why should I have to initiate it? Shouldn't he just want to do it?

This situation is freaking insane.

I hope for Nic's sake, things get better, but I can't imagine that happening.

Nic's dad comes in today. While I'm glad he's wanting to come to see his son.. it's like, a bitter sweet reunion for me. Nic is totally picking up on these emotions.

sometimes we're happy

sometimes we're really upset about it



it's exhausting.

Speaking of exhausting....
I have desperately been trying to have Nic sleep in his bassinet. Usually, he will sleep in there from 11pm-2:30 or 3am, which is awesome. He'll wake up and eat.. and stay awake. UNLESS I lay him in bed with me.. then he zonks out. Am I proud to say I let him do this every night? No. But I need sleep. I really need sleep. Like, not 3 or 4 hours. All I'm asking for is 6 straight hours. Maybe when he moves out? But maybe that will never happen, because he'll never be able to sleep anywhere but with freakin' me. aaagh.

I really am against letting him cry it out at this age.. but next month, I might try letting him cry for like ten minutes? I dont know. I'll feel like a douche bag if I do that.




I think my sweet little man has hit another growth spurt. Not only is he SUPER clingy, but he's been eating more. Not more often, just longer-which I don't mind at all, but it's just such a change from his usual 10 minute nursing sessions. Now they're more like 20-30.
But, he really is growing! His grammy bought these shirts for him and when she brought them down about 3 weeks ago, we laughed at how big they looked, and hoped that he'd be able to fit into them when it was cool, since they were sized at 6months. Yeah....

Fits pretty well at 2 months...

He's so damn cute.



also? His rash has almost completely cleared up. Stupid doctors telling me to use all this nonsense. Idiots. Vaselene is the only thing that's working. Also, oddly, nipple butter? I hope no one tells him that when he's older. Or maybe I'll save it for when he brings over some skank I dislike. God- I dread that day.

So, I've been using Arbon bath wash for Nic, along with the cetaphil, and it has totally cleared him up.

see?

So, I love little boys in hats. I didn't think Nic would mind wearing them, since I put him in hoodies all the time, but when I put hats on him, he started cracking up! He's such a little ham! When I pull out my phone, he knows it's picture time, and goes all out and smiles. I love it!

Wish me luck for this upcoming 12 days. It's going to be insanely hard, I'm sure. For every pleasant day, there are like 4 awful arguments. its like a circle, and it sucks.
A girl I went to hs with, messaged me on fb that if I could endure child birth, I could endure this crappy situation...it was very encouraging..

( But, I'd rather give birth sans epidural than have to go through this)

Yep.

Mumford and Sons - Little Lion Man