Today, I took my boy swimming at my parents ( I didn't want to put him in the cholirine pool that I have here... and I hate swimming with people I don't know) with my friend and her daughter. I was a little hesitant to even get IN a bathing suit, because, I have the worlds WORST stretchmarks on my belly. Ah, another joy of motherhood.
Because I really dont care anymore.... here! take a look. Of my destroyed body. That was once smoking hot. I mean, it was really quite lovely.
and now it's shit.
Anyway, we went swimming, and Nic LOVED it. Absolutely loves swimming, and he would crack up when I'd say "kick kick kick!!" Ahhh I love my boy. He makes everything worth it.
I mean... my life isn't AWFUL or anything.. I'm really lucky to have such an amazing son, but it's hard. And I don't mean like "waaaaah poor me, my life sucks because I missed the sale at neiman marcus someone comfort me!!" I mean, legitatlmy hard. I was talking to my friend about it on my way home tonight... and it's not like I really need help with the feeding, bathing, or changing Nics dipes or anything.. it's the emotional support I missed out on. I can't tell you how hard it is, to see my son do something exciting, and not really have anyone to share it with. yeah. I call my mom, or lj's mom and tell them how exciting whatever was... but it's not the same. It really sucks. Like, the other day, he was eating his cookie, and it was hilarious. No one else will think so, because no matter how hard I try to explain it, my words will never do it justice. He also does this funny little toe thing, and I do it, and so does my mom apparently, and I love that. LOVE it.
Anyway, it just sucks sometimes. I get on these little rants and then it leads me to think about LJ and that sucks too, because I miss him every day, even though I said I dont. ah, i'm a big fat liar. I miss the shit out of that man.
And guess what? I can NOT date. I tried, and I can not do it. I cant even imagine spending my life with anyone else right now. I cant kiss anyone, because I love kissing LJ. And so, theres that, and it sucks and I know I need to get over it, but I just do not know how. Any tips would be GREATLY appreciated. Like, a lot.
Because I just try and dwell on the shit I hate about him. Here's a GREAT example. The douche bag spelled Nic's name WITH A FUCKING 'K'
as in
nicK
as in
WHAT THE SHIT MAN!?!?!??! yeah, I'm still pretty pissed off at him. I get mad at strangers or distant realitives when they put a k or an h in his name, but his own fucking father? yeah...
shit like that? it should make it easy for me huh? haha
OH! I just started p90x... I'm kinda half assing it. Not on purpose though.. I can only do half of the videos since mr cry baby won't give me an hour of my own ever. EVER! So I only do half. But, its still kickin my ass, because I did like.. 60-70 pushups maybe? I can hardly lift Nic.
I'm not really dieting with it, since I don't eat much anyway... and I need the added calories, but I did cut out dr pepper, because I would have like 2-4 cans a day... 160 calories in a can. 2-4 times a day. That, my friends, is a lot. I really love carbs and am unwilling to give them up completely but I probably should, since you all jsut saw me in a bathing suit.
yikes!
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