Stress

So, the job opening in Texas is officially posted on their website. I want it. I want it baaaad. The only problem is... I can't apply! There is something wrong with the application form or something. Like, when it asks me if I'm certified, I can't answer, and you can't progress on the application, until you answer the question; hence my frustration.

The job would be perfect. I know who my team would be, I'm SO comfortable with it that I don't think I'd be stressed for the first day at all.... I'd be in utter bliss.

BUT

I don't have ONE family member there (besides my sweet boy of course..) to catch me if (when) I fall. I have an amazing family. Like, no matter how hard I try to describe it, I just can't. They're amazing. They truly are.

Also, I don't really want Nic growing up only seeing his grandparents once in a while. I was lucky enough to grow up with both sets (plus an extra step grandma, and a great-grandma) alive. BUT I was only close to my mom's parents, because (I think) they lived in the same town as we did. I don't know for sure. That's just my assumption.

And, I mean, there's the whole " wtf am I thinking moving totally on my own with a freggin baby" thing.

My parents I'm sure will help me drive there. Or someone in my family will (see? amazing.).

I just dont know. LJ said he might be able to be stationed there, so that would be good for Nic... and me too, because then LJ can take Nic once in a while, and I wont feel overwhelmed with stress. Or if Nic barfs real people throw up I can call LJ to take him before I have a nervous breakdown. Even though just seeing LJ will probably make me have a nervous breakdown.

With that said...

I'm trying to find an interpreting job here, in Tucson. Anyone know of anything? because I'm almost positive my eyeballs are going to roll out of my head from looking crap up on the internet for jobs. OH and the ONE agency that calls me to sub sometimes? uh yeah. They called the other morning, and said "oh hiiiiii! can you go interpret at an elementary school RIGHT fucking NOW?!"

Meanwile, my child is screaming bloody murder because I wont let him type (smash his hands all the frick over the laptop) to his dad while we were attempting to skype.

The lady (who is super nice) says "I'm going to guess no?"

and so, now I'm freaking out that they'll never ever call me again, and I'll die if I cant interpret. It sucks that I worked SO hard to get my degree in this field, and now I tutor. I mean, obviously, I'd rather stay home with Nic and play all day, and teach HIM sign language, and how to make farting noises and play in our pots and pans band, but the reality is this:

I had a husband who said I would be able to stay at home with our child until he started school, and be an amazing stay at home mom/house wife because that was my dream... and then guess what? he crushed my dreams. So, yeah, shit happens. Life throws you the shittiest curve balls ever, and you just have to adapt and overcome. And it's a shit-fest sometimes, but then you knowwhat? it's ok. you put your big girl panties on, step outside with a bottle of wine and a cigarette and you cry until you want to puke, then you go inside, and peek around the corner, and look at the most amazing child you've ever seen, take a deep breath, and know that it'll work out.

Mostly, because Nic and I can eat dinner together, and when we're done have chocolate ice cream for dessert. Because I found the best thing EVER! It's chocolate ice cream, that is made from coconut milk. wooop!

Nic LOVED it, and then fell right to sleep. At 8:15. On his own.

trying it out....

laughing at me for eating it with his spoon...

the aftermath. choco-goodness

So, pretty much, I'm stressed about the job, and stressed with Nic starting to not just lay around anymore, and the need to be constantly entertained. And I'm stressed that Target is under construction. But, the good news? it's going to be a SUPER TARGET!!! all is right with the world. Well, my shopping world anyway. The rest of the stuff will work itself out... right?

Frick.

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any sins,
I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye,
And a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,

But I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye,

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/dont-you-remember-lyrics-adele.html ]

And a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
In hope that you'd find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,

Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When will I see you again?

Easter, petting zoo, and eyeballs.

Thursday night, I noticed Nic was a little warmer than usual... but he was falling asleep so I assumed that was why. Then, he woke up barfing phlegm. It was AWESOME! So I took his temp, and he had a fever of 101... I freaked out, called my mom and cried. Then I pumped him full of motrin, and he was fine. but he has this gross cough. I mean, it sounds like the kid smokes like, 18 packs a day. I'm stressing out and I'm taking him to the doctor today because apparently, it was closed today, because I guess kids aren't allowed to get sick around Easter. wtf?

Anyway, I was afraid we weren't going to go to Scottsdale to see Nic's grandparents and take him to the countryclub so he could do the easter thing there.

Sooooo Friday morning, I got him up, gave him motrin, and we hit the road. But first, we got on our matching outfits, because seriously? How lucky am I to be able to match my son? Mothers and daughters get to all the time.

oh black shirt and khaki shorts, how I love thee

(only I look like I work at SB now...)

Look at those beautiful brown eyes and adorable mouth! <3

yeah.. it's not the same hahahaha

So, anyway we headed up there (and ps, I stopped at Eegees and the idiot working the drive through checked to see if my 5 dollar bill was real. COME ON!) and it was a nice little visit. Of course the LJ subject came up, and of course his parents are on my side and of course I cried for 45 minutes, but it was still nice seeing them, and it was nice for Nic to spend some time with his grandpa because he doesn't come when his grammy comes down. Nic was showing off his screaming skills and it cracked them up. it cracks me up too, but it's always nice for me to see how others react to him. I mean, I'm with him 24/7 and his antics are fregin hilarious to me, all the time.

Anyway, at the club there was a petting zoo and it was SOOO cute!

The girl working there was so nice with Nic and didn't yell at him at all when he pinched the bunny, or strangled the chick. Way to go JL for picking nice workers haha.

In all honesty, the kids at the club were little assholes. AND the parents are worse. Some fake boobed bitch told me to get out of line because Nic wasn't old enough to get his face painted. I didn't want to get anyone TOO mad at me, because after all, my in laws work there.... but I turned away and said her fake boobs were lopsided, and I'm like 99% sure she heard me because she adjusted her ta tas after I said it. :] win? I think so.

So, I got some cute shots of Nic, and decided to trrrryyyy and edit them. I suck, but whatever. I guess it was alright for my first time eh?

I swear, I know a lot of parents must say this (most are wrong, because seriously, i've seen some UGLY babies lately) but My kid is freggin ADORABLE. I see some ugo kids, and I say "oh look!" I never say they're cute. I cant lie. But I feel like a jackass when they say Nic is cute.

Anyway, we got back Saturday night, and it was nice to be home and have Nic in his own crib... and sleep a bit better than he did in the portacrib. Easter morning was cute. Nic was SO excited for his Easter basket! He gets all excited to see elmo, and its SO cute!

I maaaay have gone overboard on the elmo. ALSO! check out the freggin bib. "star of mommys blog" silly silly silly.

check this out: haha

he makes a weird face when Elmo is on, and it cracks me up. Also, he was confused because my mom was singing and he didn't know who to listen to, and my gosh that kid is a goofball.

And also? I cant see out of my left eye. Guess who got glitter in their eye and scratched their cornea? Yeah. ME! it hurts SO bad. I dont even know what to do.

Greek Pizza and Other Delicious Things

The other night, my friend Cass Attack and I decided we were going to have a girls night and drink white wine, and eat greek pizza. I've never ever made greek pizza, but I figured I'm Italian, and I love hummus, so it couldnt be TOO hard.

Guess who was right?! duhhhhh meeee!!

I did cheat a bit, and picked up some whole wheat dough at SunFlower though, because I hardly have time to shower, let alone make dough.

So, while at the store getting everything, Cassie informed me she's allergic to EVERY kind of nut.. meaning I couldn't put pine nuts in the pesto.. so I thought it would taste like garbage, buuuut it was SO freggin good.

Pesto:

15 organic basil leafs

1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil

2 cloves of garlic

1/2 lemon juice. (like, cut the lemon in half, and use that juice)

like, a handful of parm cheese.

it worked. and it was amazing. I wanted to drink it and not put it on the pizza... but I did...

Then, I just put tomatoes, onion, artichoke hearts, kalamata olives, feta cheese, zucchini, parm cheese, mozerella, spinach, and balsamic vinegar.

and then we ate the shit out of it... which is why I forgot to take a picture until it was half way gone.

it was so so good. I never ever think I do a good job cooking, except for my spinach and artichoke dip, and fettuccine alfredo. And now, this. Holy crap, I ate it for breakfast and dinner the next day.

it

was

so

good

So, the other day, LJ sent Nic a little Elmo teether. He loves it! I knew he would... he loves all things Elmo.

He wasn't too sure about it at first, but he was so excited, he fell asleep.

it was soooooooo cute. he held onto that elmo for his entire nap.

We go shopping a lot... that's no surprise, but the other day at Target (duh) I decided I was going to get Nic this little bongo that counted, and taught colors, and stuff like that. He looooves my friends' bongos, adn I thought it would be nice for him to have his own.

He didn't want it! I tried for like 5 minutes in the store... and he just didnt like it. He wants a real bongo. Awesome. At least that gives me a good excuse to see the love of my life at the music store. Seriously? I've been crushing on this guy for ... like 7 years. And the day before I moved to Texas for LJ... yeah, THATS when mr hottie mc hotpants asked me on a date... idiot. Of course I had to say no, because I was engaged, but now? game. on. I swear I've seen him around town lately, and it's fate. unless LJ gets his head out of his ass. that would be an awesome way for fate to step in too. jackass.

anyway. I digress.

Nic didn't want the little bongo. He wanted the little piano. So, of course I got it for him. His little eyes lit up and it was so damn cute. It's cool too, because there's a mic AND a turn table! So, Nic jams on the piano, and I sing and turn tables...yo.

Anyway.

I was trying to kill some time before meeting up with my mom to go to the fair to watch my baby bro play in the band- so I decided Nic would enjoy graham crackers. I think if he were old enough, and marriage didn't just mean a man and a woman... this little boy would have married those dang crackers.

the same goes for the ritz crackers he randomly finds in his car seat...

Because it's just one of those days...

um. spell things correctly, especially your own kid's name

Today, I took my boy swimming at my parents ( I didn't want to put him in the cholirine pool that I have here... and I hate swimming with people I don't know) with my friend and her daughter. I was a little hesitant to even get IN a bathing suit, because, I have the worlds WORST stretchmarks on my belly. Ah, another joy of motherhood.

Because I really dont care anymore.... here! take a look. Of my destroyed body. That was once smoking hot. I mean, it was really quite lovely.

and now it's shit.

Anyway, we went swimming, and Nic LOVED it. Absolutely loves swimming, and he would crack up when I'd say "kick kick kick!!" Ahhh I love my boy. He makes everything worth it.

I mean... my life isn't AWFUL or anything.. I'm really lucky to have such an amazing son, but it's hard. And I don't mean like "waaaaah poor me, my life sucks because I missed the sale at neiman marcus someone comfort me!!" I mean, legitatlmy hard. I was talking to my friend about it on my way home tonight... and it's not like I really need help with the feeding, bathing, or changing Nics dipes or anything.. it's the emotional support I missed out on. I can't tell you how hard it is, to see my son do something exciting, and not really have anyone to share it with. yeah. I call my mom, or lj's mom and tell them how exciting whatever was... but it's not the same. It really sucks. Like, the other day, he was eating his cookie, and it was hilarious. No one else will think so, because no matter how hard I try to explain it, my words will never do it justice. He also does this funny little toe thing, and I do it, and so does my mom apparently, and I love that. LOVE it.

Anyway, it just sucks sometimes. I get on these little rants and then it leads me to think about LJ and that sucks too, because I miss him every day, even though I said I dont. ah, i'm a big fat liar. I miss the shit out of that man.

And guess what? I can NOT date. I tried, and I can not do it. I cant even imagine spending my life with anyone else right now. I cant kiss anyone, because I love kissing LJ. And so, theres that, and it sucks and I know I need to get over it, but I just do not know how. Any tips would be GREATLY appreciated. Like, a lot.

Because I just try and dwell on the shit I hate about him. Here's a GREAT example. The douche bag spelled Nic's name WITH A FUCKING 'K'

as in

nicK

as in

WHAT THE SHIT MAN!?!?!??! yeah, I'm still pretty pissed off at him. I get mad at strangers or distant realitives when they put a k or an h in his name, but his own fucking father? yeah...

shit like that? it should make it easy for me huh? haha

OH! I just started p90x... I'm kinda half assing it. Not on purpose though.. I can only do half of the videos since mr cry baby won't give me an hour of my own ever. EVER! So I only do half. But, its still kickin my ass, because I did like.. 60-70 pushups maybe? I can hardly lift Nic.

I'm not really dieting with it, since I don't eat much anyway... and I need the added calories, but I did cut out dr pepper, because I would have like 2-4 cans a day... 160 calories in a can. 2-4 times a day. That, my friends, is a lot. I really love carbs and am unwilling to give them up completely but I probably should, since you all jsut saw me in a bathing suit.

yikes!