just prayed to a god i don't believe in

My grandma, Big Red, is dying. She had lung cancer, and it has literally taken over her entire body. Last Tuesday was supposed to be her last day. I left work, went to St. Joes ICU and said good bye to her. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I've had my biological dad's grandma die, but I wasn't there to say good bye.This was intense. I told her I loved her, and that I was so lucky to have known her, because I am. Everyone that knows her was lucky to, in some way. Weather it was becuase she said somthing silly you'll always remember or because she was so generous and would give you the shirt off your back, you're lucky... like I'm pretty sure my old neighbor/friend Sara will always remember her saying to us, as we were playing Barbies when we were like, 11-" come on girls, it's time to E-A-T ott."

Wackadoo.

Anyway... she made it. She got out of ICU. Then she was supposed to go to a hospice center.

Then guess what? She was "too healthy" to go there. So now she's home, where she wanted to be. It's incredibly hard for my mom and dad to deal with the responsibility, since really, my dad's siblings aren't that..... close to her. Lets leave it at that.... pretty much my mom and dad are the only ones that would take her in after she had a cerebral aneurysm like 16 years ago.. and so... that's that. 5 kids, 1 stepped up... it's incredible. I obviously put my dad on a pedestal on a daily basis, but for one out of five to step up kinda sums up the kind of man he is, and says a lot about my mother, since she's really the one who does everything for her.... this has all really changed my view on things though. I said I'd never let my mom or a mother in law live with me. Now? I absolutely will. I will never let my mom die in a hospital bed. nope. My mother is a saint after all this. To see how happy my grandma is to be able to die at home? My god. I'd never take that away from anyone.

It's going to be hard as hell for my family to go into her room after it happens, but I think the fact that they know she'll die happy, and content in the fact that she was with everyone out weighs everything.

So, we're taking it not only day by day, but hour by hour. We can't believe she's still with us, and we can't believe how sharp she still is. Like, she knows Nic is almost 1, and said she hopes she's there for his party. I told her her hair looked nice yesterday (her hairdresser stopped by to say hi, and "fixed" it for her) and she said "I know. It always does."

It's little moments like that we're treasuring. It's little moments like that where we're SO lucky to know her.

I love the weekends. I get to spend time with Nic, and I get to do things like bake cookies for being a turd and running out of gas in hopes to win back my fbo points. piiiissss.

Friday was nice. I met Monica and her little girl at the mall, for some much needed time together. I went from seeing her daily to seeing her once a month, and it sucked. So, we went to the mall in search of red wedges, and I can NOT find them, and I'm pissed! But, anyway, after the mall, we went to dinner. At the end, I got Nic a tiny ice cream cone. Funniest thing EVER! He grabbed it and SHOVED it in his little mouth, and then screamed because it was too cold. He's just too cute.

Saturday, .... oh man. Saturday was insane. The three of us went to the farmers market. SUCKED. There were like 5 stands, and they sucked. then, we decided to go to 4th ave and shop a little, and then.... BAM, I ran out of gas. The irony of it? We ran out of gas across the street from a gas station. A non functioning one. Aweeeeesssoooommmme! Thankfully, Monica doesn't live far from there, and rescued us. Thankfully, I have a fan in my car for Nic, so we all sat in the back, and waited for my knight in shinning armor. And then, I decided to get a 50s style dress and so all was right with the world. Ran some errands, baked cookies, made babyfood... bought a ton of candy for Nic's birthday party. Which is in a month. Which means my infant will become a toddler. Which means I'm going to go cry now.

pisssss time flies!

This morning, we had a special treat called "mat brought deuce over to play!" and Nic LOOOOOVED it. So much fun for him. He's a weiner dog, so he was just the right size for my little Nic. After, we went to run errands, and I got him a bomber airplane lunch box! And then, we went to 4th ave, where I won mother of the year when I took him to a smoke shop to visit a friend... man, I looked so trashy I'm sure.. haha. Oh man.

Now my sweetie little baby is asleep, and he's adorable. He loves his monster, and it melts my heart. I can't believe he's going to be 1 in a few weeks. I can't believe his dad will be here in a few weeks.. I'm nervous for that. I hope Nic is comfortable w/ him... uugh. I'm stressed about that. I dont want Nic to be weird around LJ. I have a feeling he will be, and that sucks for everyone involved. Whatever, it is what it is...right?