yikes!

I sure have been slacking on blogging these days... but between Nic, work, keeping my house not looking like the zombie apocalypse has taken over and other.... personal things.... My life is nuts! But I absolutely love it. Minus the work thing. Because I fucking hate that part. The fact of the matter is this: I want to re marry, and I want to re-marry someone insanely wealthy, so I never have to work again, and I can just stay home and play with my sweet Nicolas all day.

After all, they say the first time is for love, second is for money...

Or maybe, it should be first time for love until it goes to shit because SOME people are dicks, the second should be for looks, a good time, making you feel awesome and being great with your child from the previous marriage.. and third for money? Either way, I'm sick of working. I work with some pretty nice people, but it's not cutting it for me. I want to stay home with Nic, because I'm tired of other women playing with him all day instead of me. And I hate working from 9-6 ... my evenings are consisting of me coming home, cooking, giving Nic a bath, and putting him to bed, and hanging out, without him. No good.

Oh, and also? If I stayed home with him? He probably wouldn't have fallen and PASSED OUT because someone wasn't wathcing him. I get it though, accidents happen, you can't give 100% of your attention to one kid when you have a class full of 9 but still. i dont give a shit about the other kids.... MY baby was hurt. So I left, and he's fine. I just hate this shit. I hate worrying, and b/c of my worry, I have a killer headache and that sucks.

I'm slacking something fierce on taking pictures of Nic ... I'm going to have to do a quick little photo session with him this weekend before his Grammy comes to baby sit. I'm pretty excited for that. It's nice to have a night off :]

It's a wonderful life

I can't believe how much I'm laggin on blogging about our life. Fail.

Nic is almost 10 months old. That means he's almost 1, and that is a nagging reminder that one day he'll be 18 and leaving me.

Eff that.

Nicolas is doing really well with "school".... minus the fact that my favorite of his teachers had her last day yesterday. :( The other two teachers kinda have pissed me off to the point where I'm just going to say hi and bye to them... I pack Nic 4 bottles usually, and then 2 snacks and a lunch. The stupid bitches never fed him the solids, and he has had mud butt and I couldnt figure out why, until I was like "oh duh, these cunts aren't doing their jobs, b/c giving bottles is WAY easier" so... I had a few words with them. I may or may not have said fuck 7 times... idiots.

I'm really starting to get into the flow of what I'm doing. I really enjoy working with the 2 and under group... anything over that and I get annoyed.. they sass back. I'm sassy enough for everyone. I don't need some 4 year old telling me "no". The 2 and under group really pick up on signs fast too, so it's way more fun.

Nic is just changing every single day. He ALMOST took a step at my aunts this morning!( He stayed there over night, because I was supposed to go bowling at like 11:30pm, but that was a bust, so instead we watched zombie movies and this morning went to breakfast :])

So anyway, when we went to go get Nic this morning, he was cruisin' around my aunt's coffee table with Mat, and leaned to me, and took half a step, and then realized he wasn't holding on to anything, and sat down. I think he'd be steady enough, but he's just lacking the confidence.. so I think he'll be walking by 1 for sure. He's so damn cute too. When he knows he's being naughty, before I even tell him no, he starts shaking his head no, and stops doing what was bad. Little stinker.

He's saying mama in referance to me, which is cool. Before, he just kinda said it. Also, he says baba, when he means a sippy, and then he makes a fist and makes a noise with his mouth, and puts the fist on his mouth 2 times, making the noise baba when he wants a real bottle. Kinda hard to explain, without gesturing but it's pretty funny. He also booty dances, and its hilarious. My little man dances in the car better than anyone I know. So so cute.

So....um... my world has been rocked. I feel like everything is finally coming together, and I'm so so happy. <3 swooooonnnn

Also? I'm going to look into buying a house. My friend's dad is a realitor and so, wish me luck on that adventure... I've never had a credit card though, so I think that may be an issue, but I'm not sure about that one. He said no, but we'll see! I'm really hopeful on that though, because Nic needs a little puppy to play with. He has so much fun with my aunt's dogs. So we need a place with a big back yard for them to play in. And I need a big kitchen to bake Nic's muffins in. Kid throws a fit if I dont give him one every morning.

uh wow.

So, it turns out I'm not so much teaching sign language as much as I'm just signing with kids. Still freggin awesome, because today I asked a color of a frog and a little boy signed green, rather than voicing it.

Awesome. Seriously, the other teacher (who is like, freggin awesome) knows sign and teaches them signs all the time too, but this was like, incredible.

But, Nic is sick. I thought it was teething, but he has the diarrheas, and a fever of 102, and he barfed on me at work (gross) and he's just not himself. Like, he's tired, and he napped pretty much all day.

eff me in the a.

Seriously? the kid never naps so I'm freaked the fuck out. I still dont know what it is, but yesterday and today I left work early because he was sick. I also think it's the germies. It's not like this is a gross daycare, b/c I wouldn't work in a place like that OR take my son to a nasty place.. hellooo, but still. Kids have germs, he's bound to get something.

I'm debating on taking him to urgent care in the morning, but with Motrin and a cold washcloth, his temp was 99.. so I don't know what to do. I hate the ER- people barf there, and I will have a panic attack, and so I can't go.

I mean, I'm new to all this, so it's confusing, and my dang mother isn't here.

Thanks a lot, Teen.

uh wow.

So, it turns out I'm not so much teaching sign language as much as I'm just signing with kids. Still freggin awesome, because today I asked a color of a frog and a little boy signed green, rather than voicing it.

Awesome. Seriously, the other teacher (who is like, freggin awesome) knows sign and teaches them signs all the time too, but this was like, incredible.

But, Nic is sick. I thought it was teething, but he has the diarrheas, and a fever of 102, and he barfed on me at work (gross) and he's just not himself. Like, he's tired, and he napped pretty much all day.

eff me in the a.

Seriously? the kid never naps so I'm freaked the fuck out. I still dont know what it is, but yesterday and today I left work early because he was sick. I also think it's the germies. It's not like this is a gross daycare, b/c I wouldn't work in a place like that OR take my son to a nasty place.. hellooo, but still. Kids have germs, he's bound to get something.

I'm debating on taking him to urgent care in the morning, but with Motrin and a cold washcloth, his temp was 99.. so I don't know what to do. I hate the ER- people barf there, and I will have a panic attack, and so I can't go.

I mean, I'm new to all this, so it's confusing, and my dang mother isn't here.

Thanks a lot, Teen.

worst day of my life.

Today I started my new job. It's not my dream job, and it's not the job in Texas, but it's a job, and I'm using sign... I'm teaching sign language to kids at a daycare, and also just being a general "teacher" there in the later afternoon. I work from 9-6.

That is a LONG freaking day. Without my baby. Who I can hear because he was in the next room.

He did pretty well, I left with no complications. He waved bye bye to me, and went to play with this cute little girl, and he was a happy little camper.

Then came the crying. From me. Three times before noon. Thank god the classroom I was in had a bathroom, and I could go "pee" and come out with red eyes. They probably think I have a poop issue huh? haha

Then, on my lunch break, I took Nic out of his class, and we went to starbucks where I got a delicious pesto chicken salad (my new obsession) and Nic had animal crackers. And I hugged the shit out of him. For an entire hour. And I cried again.

Then, when I went to leave him again from 1-530 he cried. And I lost my shit. I cried for 10 mins straight and had to re-do my makeup in my car. Then I went back to work, and played with OTHER peoples kids, and it killed me. I got Nic at 530, and we went home to have dinner and then he went to bed. Like, wtf. I dont get to spend any time with him anymore. THE BOY NORMALLY IS ATTACHED TO MY HIP and now I dont see him except for a few hours at night? fuck that. I seriously almost quit. That's how much I hate it. Not to mention that I'd like to have Thursdays off for wings, and also Tuesdays and Wednesdays for.. well. That's a whole other story. Not for this entry.

In any event, this sucks. LJ fuckin PROMISED I'd be able to stay home with him until he was older... so this is killing me. I tutored for 9 months, and I wish I could do it for 9 more. I hate being away from Nic. I mean, it's kinda differnt when my aunt takes him over night, since I leave at like 10 and get there at 8ish or so, because he just sleeps, but it's shitty when I'm with other peoples kids, and I know mine is right next door and I can't hug him and kiss him.

I'm so glad I got this job, but I hate that I can't be with Nic. I hate it.

m f-er

I can not wait for the divorce to be finalized.

seriously.

I can not wait.

Stress.

I'm overwhelmed. Surprise Surprise.

The interview tomorrow isn't going as planned, due to the video phone in texas... apparently, something is wrong with the one they'd be using (they have to record the interview) and so it's just going to be a phone interview. I'm not stressed about that part.

I'm not really even stressed about the interview in general. I have a really strong feeling I'll be hired to work at the college, and that's exciting.

Except.

I'd like to stay here, not because I'm afraid to move. I'm not. It'll be hard as hell to do even more than I already do totally alone. I mean, I have good friends there, but no one that I can just drop Nic off to. Like... yesterday.

Yesterday was probably the best day I've had just being Gina and not Mommy. I dropped Nicolas off at my moms at like 11:45, and she took care of him until 6 and she dropped him off at my house, where my cousin babysat him until about 10:30. I had almost 11 hours of being Gina.

I went with a special someone to Bisbee (the most adorable town EVER) and we antiqued, and it was amazing. The whole afternoon was like... a dream to me. It was perfect. ps? I wish I had lived there as an adult not a 5 year old because it is just so amazing now... didn't really realize it then.

On our way home, we decided to go to a BBQ and that too was amazing.

I sorta don't wanna move now. And truth be told, I never was DYING to move to Texas, I just thought it was a smart move for 2 reasons: 1- a job offer, that will look great to add to my interpreting portfolio, and 2- I thought LJ could be stationed there so he could be closer to his son.

Apparently, his career is a bit more important right now, because he would rather be a DI than a dad. Whatev. I don't care anymore. Aside from sending him his father's day gift, and chatting occasionally on fb, I no longer try to have any thing more than a parent to parent relationship. I'm 100% ok with this now, and I'm so proud of myself for finally letting go. It was hard, and took over a year, but I'm very happy to say I have absolutely NO interest in being with him anymore. Sure, parts of me wishes Nic could have 2 parents with him every day, but... that's it. Nic doesn't know any different, he doesn't know who LJ is, at all, an that sucks, but that's just the way it is I guess.

But back to yesterday. ...I am still floating on cloud 9 because of it. But I am also desperately trying to find a job here in Tucson, just to keep my options open. LJ's mom even looked in Mesa for positions, and nothing is open. I understand that at the end of the year, it's not going to have lists of needs in the school districts, but I wish they'd post something I could apply for. I'd even consider working in an HI room for a year... I just need SOMETHING!

The good news is my landlord loves me, and always gives Nic candy, so today when I was letting him touch nic's face without screaming or making it obvious that I would sanitize the shit out of Nic's face when we left, I sweetly asked if I could month to month it here in the condo until I find out what I'm actually doing, and he said "darlin, I'd love to keep you there forever, of course you can" and so, now I wanna move to texas a little because I love being called darlin'. But I don't want Nic saying y'all so this is really a huge delema. AGH!

Nic News

• he says "dat, dat" (that?)
• he says "oh" when you tell him what it is.
• he can stand up and scoot along the bed/couch/crib/dishwasher
• he drinks 20oz of formula a day, and nurses 2 times a day, morning and night, just because I'm not ready to let go yet
• he laughs with his entire body like me :]
• he shakes his head no, but I'm not sure if it's because when I scold him I shake mine, or if it's becuase he really means no
• he signs more, eat and milk
• he stands in his crib and screams until I go in there, then starts laughing
• he eats the same exact breakfast every morning, and if I change it, he throws whatever it is off his tray
• he can copy your coughs
• he claps if you say yay, but not if I try to show people because he apparently wants me to look like a dirty liar
• he gets into EVERYTHING in sight now. awesome!

He's just getting so big, and I want to stop time, and not let him grow up. Ever. I don't like it I'd like him to be potty trained, but stay this tiny and adorable and I hate him growing up :(