um. spell things correctly, especially your own kid's name

Today, I took my boy swimming at my parents ( I didn't want to put him in the cholirine pool that I have here... and I hate swimming with people I don't know) with my friend and her daughter. I was a little hesitant to even get IN a bathing suit, because, I have the worlds WORST stretchmarks on my belly. Ah, another joy of motherhood.

Because I really dont care anymore.... here! take a look. Of my destroyed body. That was once smoking hot. I mean, it was really quite lovely.

and now it's shit.

Anyway, we went swimming, and Nic LOVED it. Absolutely loves swimming, and he would crack up when I'd say "kick kick kick!!" Ahhh I love my boy. He makes everything worth it.

I mean... my life isn't AWFUL or anything.. I'm really lucky to have such an amazing son, but it's hard. And I don't mean like "waaaaah poor me, my life sucks because I missed the sale at neiman marcus someone comfort me!!" I mean, legitatlmy hard. I was talking to my friend about it on my way home tonight... and it's not like I really need help with the feeding, bathing, or changing Nics dipes or anything.. it's the emotional support I missed out on. I can't tell you how hard it is, to see my son do something exciting, and not really have anyone to share it with. yeah. I call my mom, or lj's mom and tell them how exciting whatever was... but it's not the same. It really sucks. Like, the other day, he was eating his cookie, and it was hilarious. No one else will think so, because no matter how hard I try to explain it, my words will never do it justice. He also does this funny little toe thing, and I do it, and so does my mom apparently, and I love that. LOVE it.

Anyway, it just sucks sometimes. I get on these little rants and then it leads me to think about LJ and that sucks too, because I miss him every day, even though I said I dont. ah, i'm a big fat liar. I miss the shit out of that man.

And guess what? I can NOT date. I tried, and I can not do it. I cant even imagine spending my life with anyone else right now. I cant kiss anyone, because I love kissing LJ. And so, theres that, and it sucks and I know I need to get over it, but I just do not know how. Any tips would be GREATLY appreciated. Like, a lot.

Because I just try and dwell on the shit I hate about him. Here's a GREAT example. The douche bag spelled Nic's name WITH A FUCKING 'K'

as in

nicK

as in

WHAT THE SHIT MAN!?!?!??! yeah, I'm still pretty pissed off at him. I get mad at strangers or distant realitives when they put a k or an h in his name, but his own fucking father? yeah...

shit like that? it should make it easy for me huh? haha

OH! I just started p90x... I'm kinda half assing it. Not on purpose though.. I can only do half of the videos since mr cry baby won't give me an hour of my own ever. EVER! So I only do half. But, its still kickin my ass, because I did like.. 60-70 pushups maybe? I can hardly lift Nic.

I'm not really dieting with it, since I don't eat much anyway... and I need the added calories, but I did cut out dr pepper, because I would have like 2-4 cans a day... 160 calories in a can. 2-4 times a day. That, my friends, is a lot. I really love carbs and am unwilling to give them up completely but I probably should, since you all jsut saw me in a bathing suit.

yikes!

Colds, Texas and Stress.

It's been far too long since I've blogged.

With that said- things have been ca ca ca craaaaazy up in here. Nic is doing so well it's not even funny. He can roll to get places, and if you hold his hands he walks with you. I mean, not steady or anything, but he can do it. His right leg kinda stomps, and it's hilarious. He laughs when I laugh, and he screams like no body's business. He was 25 inches and 18lbs on the 15th.. Yesterday I took him to the doctor for a little check up because he was coughing, and pulling his ear (everything is fine, no ear infection, just a cold...again.... even though I breast feed [which btw, is back on track..booya!]) and his weight is the same, but he grew 3 inches. In 2 weeks. Whaaaat? no wonder his clothes looked silly. haha.

Friday early morning, we took a trip to Texas. My friend wanted to go to a concert, and I wanted to see my friends from the interpreting program I graduated from. It was SO much fun. I was surprised with how well my little Nic did, but he was amazing! It was easier that I nursed him in the car (awkwardly or course, and it was SO hard to wear the cover!) but we stopped often enough to change him and for him to stretch his little legs. He had a blast in Texas. So, I think I just might move there.... If I can get a full time position interpreting at the college my friends work? it's on. All I have to do is a little emailing, and study my ass off for the NIC and I'm in. I'm going to start studying instead of watching yo gabba gabba. Seriously? the show sucks me in! I turn it on sometimes for Nic so I can clean, but nope. I just sit with him on the couch, cuddle and watch that show. Don't get my wrong. I love to cuddle with my little guy, but I dont even ever leave the house until like... oh.... 1 or 2. And I never ever shower until right before I leave, because something is wrong with me.

In any event-- being in Texas really stirred up some emotions.. I mean, thats where LJ and I became ... idk, everything. I went to Temple to meet my friends for lunch, and was flooded with memories. And they were all amazing memories. And it really fucked with me... and still is. I still don't get it sometimes.. but whatever. Ugh.. whatever. Anyway. Nic and I had a blast. We went to the Austin Zoo, which is more of a rescue center than a zoo...it was pretty cool. Nic was really interested in the tiger, so of course I bought him one at the gift shop. I was pretty sad they didnt' have a penny press.. the do at Reid Park Zoo here in Tucson... we're just lucky I guess. Tucson zoo rocks. Hard.

I also went to a concert while in Austin. It was pretty cool.. not really my favorite kind of music, but it was still fun to get out sans baby... even though every 30 mins i was texting to make sure he was ok. Which of course he was lol.. my friend's parents were out there for work, the same weekend we went so it was perfect. Nic loves them.

He's a little sick still--he's sooo stuffy, and doesn't like the booger sucker-uper, thus resulting in boogers smeared all over his sweet little face. So. Gross.

In other news, I've started Nic's bday party plans, and it's a big secret, because I hate the idea that someone might copy me haha. Snobby? Probably. But my kid's first bday party will kick your kid's first bday party's ass so hard, you'll be takin it to urgent care. booyaaa... But the only problem is that its gonna be soooo expensive. Holy balls. At least 300$... I hope LJ will split it with me, seeing how he is just going to show up to it.. which i want. I want one party for Nic.. but I'm just sayin, he's not going to do any of the leg work.. he should at least split the costs with me. And if he doesnt? im going to punch him in the wiener.

OH- my sister is going to her Senior Prom, and guess who her little date is? Yep. Nic. Well... for the pictures. haha.. SO i got him the CUTEST suit! It's like, teal and it has a little vest and dress pants... and hes going to wear his skull and cross bone shoes! hells yes. AND he can wear it for Easter. And before all that, he's getting his hair cut. Some old bitch in Texas said he was pretty like a girl. EFF that. he's all boy, all the time.

And here are some pictures of our trip:

strep

I feel like an asshole saying it, but I'm SO sick of seeing happy little families with their picture perfect life, and then having them look down on me for not being the conventional family. Well, here's some news for you assclown, my little family is great. Except when I'm sick.
I have a raging case of the strep. I totally went to work to interpret, and now I kinda feel like a douche bag, since I was so close to the client all day, but I honestly didn't think it would be strep. Well... ok. I thought it might be, but last time I thought that, it wasn't. And so, now that I know it is, I feel bad. But, interpreting was great! I miss it. And that's about all I can really say about it.

Anyway, back to be being sick. It sucks. It sucks because I still want to kiss on my sweet little angel (who, btw, was awesome staying with my parents yesterday, and was so happy to be home and cuddling with me. and I cried like an idiot when I left him, because I'm a sissy baby), I still want to go do things, because I don't KNOW how to be sick. Like, I'm making plans to go to the park, and Mt. Lemmon.. I'm such an idiot.

Nic is holding his bottle all by himself, and while it's convenient at times, I hate it. I just nursed him, and then he downed about 7oz of formula. I haaaate giving it to him, but obviously, he needs it. The supplements are helping a little I think, but... since there's really no way to measure how much he's getting, I'm not sure.

Nic says baba, mama and papa. And makes killer fart noises with his little mouth.

Updates, and Breast Milk

So first, lemmie just say, I hate herbs. They make me stink, make me tired, and make me eat like I did in my 2nd trimester of pregnancy (5 bagels a day anyone?). With that said, they freakin work! I went from getting 1/2 an ounce combined, to 3 ounces combined, in one week. I'm going to keep taking them, in hopes to go back up to 6-8oz combined, so in the meantime, I'll be giving Nic about 8-12oz of formula a day. And while I don't cry when I do it anymore, I still think it's gross. But.... I saw that there's a night time formula, that apparently thickens as the baby digests, helping them sleep through the night.... I seriously am considering it. Nic is now sleeping in his crib like, 5 or 6 nights a week. I like co sleeping. I see no problem with it at this age, however, I dont want my 5 year old in bed with me... so. there's that.

Yesterday, I took my boy to the park, with LJ's mom. Poor kid was SO tired, but we was in the swing for like, 15 minutes, and then we went on the slide. I held him in my lap for the big slide, and he seemed to really like it. I love that he likes to do things like that. I'm so fearful that he's going to be boring like someone ELSE we know... god forbid. GOD freggin FORBID that, because I will not enjoy it. at all.

In other news-Nic's eating pears, applesauce, fruit cereal, peas, and carrots like a champ. He's not a fan of green beans. I don't really blame him, they're kinda gross pureed. Although, it might have been my fault, for making them a bit too watery... Next time I guess. According to the gerber food chart, since he's sitting, he can have chicken and veggie dinners... but I can not figure out how to make that. I don't want to buy baby food, unless I have to, and I dont have to, because while I'll be freelance interpreting (that's right, friday I start..whaaaaat!!??) my number 1 job is being a mom. Even though I was promised to be able to stay at home for 2 years at least... but shit happens. Shit like divorce. And shit like Nic has been throwing up for a few days now, and its not from the formula I dont think. wtf
He also will kiss me. I freaking love it. He hugs and kisses me! He'll sometimes do it to a few other people, but not as intently, and i love it. :)

anyway.

Lets show the week in pictures, shall we?

Nicolas is in LOVE with teething biscuits.

He goes from sitting.....

to trying to crawl in seconds.
He can't quite hold his fat self up yet, but he's really trying. He rolls to get to places. wacko





My sweetie on the swings. Notice the slap beacelet? yeah, my parents when to an 80s themed party. I jacked the prizes, because really? Whats cooler than slap bracelets? nothing.

And now he can get out of his swing. yep. it's awesome. I went to brush my teeth, and came back, and he was almost out. cool huh?

I'm really excited for him to be able to spend the day with my parents on Friday, because quite frankly, I don't trust another soul with my kid. NO one.

Nic is totally saying mama now! Everyone said he'd say dada... wrooonnng he's never said it. :] I would have been so depressed.

thats all.

freaking formula.

I just gave Nic formula, and I feel like the biggest shit bagfailure in the history of mothers. I said I would never do this, and I would breast feed until he was ready to stop, which I was hoping to be around 12-14 months. My body, on the other hand, thinks 6 months is enough. I'm taking every herbal suppliment known to man, eating 1800 calories a day, drink at least 20oz or water (i didnt even do that while pregnant) I'm taking vitamins, I'm doing everything right.... I just am not making enough for my son, and it's killing me. I nurse at night, and in the morning, but it seems like during the day, he just is trying and trying and he gets frustrated and pulls away screaming. He is NOT a fussy baby. Never has been. But he's been so frustrated, that he throws fits and its awful. For both of us.

So, I just gave my sweet boy a little formula, and he sucked it down in 3 minutes. Seriously, 3oz in 3 minutes. He must have been starving. I nursed him and gave him his breakfast (apple sauce, bananas and some fruit cereal) and then he nursed again, and again....and again. Still wasnt content. I gave him the formula, and he's a happy baby. And its breaking my fucking heart. I do not want to do this often. Formula isnt good for him. Theres like 40 ingredients. Thats not good. Thats SO much for him to process... he gets home made baby food b/c I'm afraid of additives... yet I gave him formula? I'm so upset. I cried the entire time I gave him the bottle.

I pumped this morning, for 20 minutes. yeah.. I got 2 oz out.

This really really sucks. I really hope my supply comes back with these herbs..I do not want to fail at this.

my goodness!

My favorite picture EVER!!!

It has been a whirlwind of a life lately. So many things have been going on...
Nic is rolling from his belly to his back (2/19 was the first time, at his grammy's), he can pick up food to his mouth, like avacados, or bananas... He knows his name totally. He also knows his nick-names (bird, buddy, baby, Nic, ect but NOT Nicky. fml i hate that. I really do..my dad and Lj's step dad do it... and i mean, i cant tell them to stfu, but it makes me fucking crazy. Nicky is a girls name. ALSO? not nicK, it's just nic, come one people!) he screams and waits for a reaction from other people, which is great, since it cracks me up so hard i have to sit down, and then he KNOWS he's funny, so he keeps freaking doing it.. he is great. He's really an amazing child, and I'm SO lucky to have him all to myself.

yes.

all to myself.

So, I had said previously that I was going to wait for Sept to get here before Nic's dad and I made a decision on getting back together...
but then we didn't talk for a few days... and I was truly happy. I was happier not talking to him and not dealing with the arguments, and his lack of desire to know about our child... so next time we spoke, we somehow got to talking about it all, and it was like, crystal clear: we're done. We're happy people, but miserable together. We're good people, bad together. We would be shitty parents together, because we would argue constantly. I mean, he's a great man, and he'll be a good father (i hope) but we're just better as friends. Unfortuantly for me, I put a lot of energy into trying to make him love me, and it was exhausting, and it really made me re-evaluate my life.
I hate to say it like this, but I'm like TRULY happy right now. I didn't realize how unhappy I was, until I found happiness. And I mean, of course I'm happy being a new mom, and with my amazing son, but my personal life? just Gina and not Mommy? yeah, I wasnt happy until like, Feb 13th.
But now I am, and one chapter is closing, and a new one is opening beautifully, and I haven't been this happy in years... and that is the most depressing thing to ever admit.. but it's true. It sucks though, knowing Nic won't have his natural family with him constantly growing up, but I know when the time comes for him to have step parents, LJ and I will pick the appropriate mates, and things will be good. At least they better, because I have no problem stabbing a bitch in the neck with a knife.LJ and I talked about dating, and we're both ok with it... I just hope he doesn't pick skanks ... Nic doesn't need to see that shit. And LJ's only fear? that Nic calls the man I'm with Dad... that'll never happen though.... LJ is the dad, and that's that.

So anyway-- my cousins all came out from California to Scottsdale, so since we were up there, I decided to make it a friday-sunday thing so LJ's parents could spend a little bit of time with Nic, and they asked us to stay there. It was awesome. Nic rolled over from tummy to back for the first time there, and LJs stepdad made an awesome breakfast. I also got to meet one LJ's cousins, so Nic's 2nd cousin, and she was so dang sweet. And she loved Nic. :] I feel so weird not calling them my inlaws now... shit. I wonder if that will ever stop? idk I like calling LJs mom my MiL... I guess I technically have until January lol.


anyway
Seeing MY family was amazing! I havent seen them in literally 14 years. FOURTEEN years. Nothing really changed. We're all the same.. the party was awesome, and there was a photobooth there, and holy balls, I want one in my house. Seriously thats ALL I want to do for my birthday. haha

: /

Well well well. My kid is a riot. A freakin riot.

Today, I took him to the doctor, because he is coughing like a veteran pack a day smoker.
Apparently, it's just a cold. No biggie... to the doctor. That guy should really come home with us, and check out this guy at 2am coughing so hard he barfs. Also, he can come home with us, because for a middle aged man, he's smokin hot. Unfortuantly, he has the HOTS FOR MY MOTHER!!! Yes, that's right. He said (last time I brought my mom in for Nic's appt) "where is your mom that's too young to be a grandma?" Then as he was walking out the door he said "tell your mom I said hey"

I have mainly male friends. I know how to translate what he said. it is literally transfered to "your mom's hot, and I wanna bang her" and so, I'm a little bothered. But....anyway

He said Nic is really thriving, which just makes me so happy. He said all this because my little bird decided to ham it up, and show off all his "tricks" there on the table.
What tricks did he do?

• rolled over
• tried to sit up
• babbled using the m, b, and g sound
• followed the dr with his head and eyes, while totally supporting his neck himself
• sat up un-supported for almost a minute
• make his goofy face

So, if I furrow my brow and said HEY to him, he makes this face:


And he just found his tongue, and it looks like this when he's playing with it:
I know they look similar, but trust me, they're not. One has relaxed brows, the other doesnt. Just trust me. I'm his mom.

The squash eating is going really well. He's starting to enjoy it more and he has 2 cups left, so once he's done with those, I'm guessing Thursday, he's starting carrots and sweet potatoes.
I'm so excited! I love having dinner with him.

So while I'm glad he only has a cold... I have a stomach virus, and it sucks. It's really hard being sick with a baby in general, but when you have a stomach virus, and the bathroom takes you as it's hostage, it sucks...more so when you're alone in this.it suuucccckkkkssss

Also? I am tired of looking for an interpreting job in schools here. I want to move to Texas SO badly, but I can't do it until at least July. And I just dont know if I should even do it then! I would really miss my family, and my friends. I just need a job, and I need it like... last month. I mean, I tutor, and that's cool, but I dont think that its going to go after may.. and that sucks. I need to work in a school. I need to. I'm going to go crazy if I don't find a job, but I'll also go crazy if I do, because that means leaving my sweet little guy.



I mean... how could anyone ever leave this face?